Things that make you go...

WTF?? Tonight was our second Birthing Class and I have to say that during class, my attitude was all over the place. I was happy, I was sad, I was upset, I was frustrated, I was giddy and excited. It was a lot, but in reality, welcome to my world. The two hours we were there is nothing short of how my normal days are, but just in a condensed version of how I feel lately.

We got there and saw familiar faces and chatted it up with some folks. It was great. Then the group broke up into Dads and Moms. Me being the "odd 'whoever' out" was told to go ahead and stay with the women, even though I am NOT pregnant and my role in Finnian's life is more of the typical "father" role. We did an exercise on positives and negatives of the pregnancy. The women listed things such as finding names, wondering of the future, nesting, bring the family together, as well as morning sickness, stretchmarks, clothes not fitting anymore, mood swings, swelling, bathroom trips more often. The Dads listed things like becoming a dad, new adventures, having a legacy, passing on knowledge, feeling the baby move, being closer to the partner, seeing ultrasounds, dealing with emotions of your partner, trying to be your best for her, figuring out finances and expenses. Which one do you think I relate to most? Yeah, not the pregnant ladies, that's for sure. Everything on the Dad's list are things that I have thought about. Very few things on the Mom's list are things that have crossed my mind, but that is because I am not a birth mom. I am a dad in this.

I am having a hard time finding my place in this class. It's not a class specifically designed for Moms and Dads only. That is how it is being taught, though, which is very frustrating. I am Shannon's coach, just as the other women have their male partners as their coaches. So what? I am as worthy as they are, if not more. She keeps referring to the coaches as "dads and whoever" or "husbands or whatever". At least tonight she used "partner" and "coaches" a lot more. Maybe she is learning. She knows that Shannon and i are together in this, and that I am not just her coach or friend. It would just be nice to have the same respect that she gives the guys, or have a male/female only class if she can't handle "different" couples.

One other thing that I didn't really appreciate about tonight was her lecture on breast feeding. Yes it is a healthy way to feed a child, and it is good and there are tons of benefits. We all know this. But there are some women who just can't do it. I wasn't breast fed. I couldn't due to allergies or something. I know many other people who weren't and I know many people who haven't been able to breast feed their kids. She rambled on for a good twenty minutes on how much better breast feeding is than anything else and made it seem like if you can't breast feed, your kid is going to die. She rambled off stats from decades ago that aren't even relevant anymore and scared the crap out of people. I didn't feel like it was appropriate.

The other thing I didn't like about tonight was that my promised "massage" from Shannon lasted like 3 minutes if that. Lame! The rest of the hour, she got one from me! That is so lame, I am declaring Shenanigans on that one. At the same time of Shannon's massage, we learned different birthing positions which was pretty great. Hopefully Shannon will find a cozy one and Finny will come out pretty quickly and easily. She better be in the correct position to come out quick and easy like if she knows what is good for her.

Hopefully next week will be better. We are supposed to go on a tour of the hospital and see the birth center and rooms. That should be fun. We will learn some more positions and what to do and some more breathing exercises to do. This is all things that I have done before with relaxation techniques I have learned in other things that I have done, so I think Shannon and I have this covered. Plus the drugs she will get will be good.

On a more positive note, we had an appointment for little Finny today. She is growing like a weed and super healthy. We can't wait to meet her. Our next appointment is in two weeks. That will be our 35th week. Our doctor said that if Shannon goes into labor after that, they won't stop the labor from happening! Holy crap, that's two weeks away!! But, in the likelihood that won't happen, we will start our weekly appointments after that! It is getting close, and she is getting big. Shannon is healthy and doing great. I am proud of little momma and my little baby. I love my family.

Reflections and Tiny Hands...

It is funny looking back at previous entries I have written about our attempts to get pregnant. There is one that stands out huge for me, and that is one that I haven't shared on this, but on Facebook. I will share it below. It was written on July 12, 2010. It talks about our struggles with getting pregnant, how it felt to be disappointed, all of the hoops we need and have to jump through, and the emptiness we feel, not only in our hearts, but in our lives.

Now, we have been given the most wonderful gift, besides our own lives, and we are so thankful, everyday, to have what we have, and to have the people we do in our lives, to help us, to love us, to be there for us, to help us learn, to help us grow, but most of all, to share in our little Finnian's adventure with us.

Now, I will know what it feels like to hold a tiny hand that has never been held. And I will continue to hold her hand until my last day...

 

Tiny Hands...

 

About a week ago, Shannon and I were getting ready to go to sleep. She was reading a magazine she got from my mom, and I was doing a Sudoku puzzle, as usual. The dogs were tucked in; Lilly at our feet, and Brody under the bed. I had just figured out where to put the 5 when Shannon asked if she could read me a paragraph from the magazine. I said sure. It turns out this paragraph was actually an excerpt from Spoken from the Heart, by Laura Bush. It reads:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

This excerpt struck a chord with both Shannon and I. It did and has tugged at both of us pretty hard. Since she read it to me, I have been thinking about it a lot. Our good friends and family know that we want to start a family and have little ones. Both of us feel like something is missing from our life, and that something is a baby.

For me, this is a strange reality, because I never thought I wanted kids. I told myself years ago that it wasn’t going to happen, so I resigned myself to the fact that I would be kid-less. After all, I had a hysterectomy at 27, I wasn’t the mothering type, I didn’t want kids anyway, and I was perfectly content with having my dogs. It is funny how our thoughts and feelings change over time.

This past week, my sister and her family were here. I got to hang out with my nephew, Caden, who is about 17 months old now. He is such a great little guy. He reassured me that I really do want kids of my own, and that I can and will be a good parent. Feeling his little hand in mine, feeling his little heart beat against my chest when I picked him up and held him, feeling his little breath on my neck when he cuddled into me, his slimy, drooly face when he gave me kisses on my cheek, sensing the vulnerability he has, and the feeling of wanting to protect him at all costs, feeling sad when he was crying, watching his pure amazement in new things discovered and hearing his little voice say “WOAH!” because it was so exciting for him, feeling so thrilled because he can say so many things and do sign language already, and figure things out on his own. I am a very proud aunt. But I am only his aunt, and though I spoil him rotten, and love him to bits, being an aunt is not the same as being a parent.

Becoming parents has been hard for us, because the process for two women to have a baby isn’t exactly easy. We have to sign papers, get them notarized, visit doctors to have them sign papers, and our insurance won’t cover a lot of the costs associated with having a baby for same-sex partners. It is hard, because we can’t just “keep trying” like heterosexual couples can. We have to order the sperm, have it shipped, wait for the right time when Shannon is ovulating, (which has also been hard because she has signs of polycystic ovarian syndrome and is on medication to help her ovulate. Now she has to track pretty much everything she does) go in to do the insemination at the doctor’s office, and get one try to see if the pregnancy will occur. If it doesn’t, we are out over $600, and then we start saving money to try again, which won’t be for a few more months. It is a very difficult and stressful, sometimes tearful, process.

Shannon and I, however sad and stressed out for ourselves, are extremely happy for our friends and family that have had children recently, or those who are pregnant now. We couldn’t be happier for those of you who want children, who have tried for ages or not, and who are and will be great parents. We look forward to being a part of your lives and seeing your little ones grow. We will be the best aunties and friends we can be, and will be there for all of you, as we always have been.

It’s the people who are irresponsible, who have sex to have sex, and just make babies, without being able to take care of them, that have us upset. Any crack-head off the street can have a kid, but we have to work so hard, and I have to prove my worth as a person, and as a parent, to have my own child. That is what upsets me the most. Some stranger has to come into my home and decide if I am a good parent or not, when there are meth-addicts out there who are putting their children in danger every single day.

We will be able to raise our kids with a supportive, loving home. We will give them what they need. There are people out there that have kids just to work the system, costing people money, not even caring about their kids. They pawn them off on the child’s grandparents, or aunts and uncles to raise, just so they can go do whatever they want. As long as the parent is happy, that’s what matters. Every day in the news is another story of some poor child being killed by someone they thought loved them. There are plenty of families that would give these children homes. What is wrong with people?

For us, feeling the tiny hand of our own child, seeing our baby, holding our little one close, is what is missing. There is no lack of love for our child. We have plenty of that now, and more to give when they day comes that little sprout is conceived, and even more than that when baby comes into the world. There will be no lack of love or support for our child. The only thing that is missing now is our child. We are mourning someone that has never been here. We are yearning for their presence, even though we’ve never shared their company. There is a void in our life that has never been filled, and there is something big, very big, missing.

Who really can describe the feel of a tiny hand that has never been held?

Time Flies...

 And now all of the sudden, we are at 31 weeks of preparing for Finnian's arrival! Holy cow, time has gone by so darn fast! The good news is that we have finally made some progress on her nursery and got it somewhat set up, and continue to make progress on it daily. Hopefully we will be ready for her when she decides she wants to come greet the world!

We had a doctor's appointment the other day to check on her development. She is doing great! Shannon is doing great, too! We got a chance to see her again because the doc wanted to check to make sure it was her head that she was feeling. It was a nice opportunity to see her cute little face again. I love that every time we see her, she has her little hand up by her face. She's so darn sweet. It is hard to believe I can love someone as much I do already, and I haven't even met my little one.

We are going to the docs every two weeks now, since we are close to the end of the pregnancy now. It is going to get busy in the next few months. We are ready for it, though, I think! Our parenting/birthing classes will start in the next couple of weeks, too. Those should be interesting, to say the least. I am not looking forward to the gross videos I have heard about. We'll see. They better have snacks.

Shannon and I both continue to collect little things for her, as well. I can't go into a store without looking at baby stuff, or little books or things like that. It seems like every time we go somewhere, one of us comes out with something for the little one. I saw a book yesterday and had to get it for her, because it had an owl puppet on it. I can't wait to read to her every night. I do it anyway now, but I am looking forward to holding her and letting her look at the pictures as I read to her. It is kind of hard to show her pictures through Shannon's tummy at this point. I still try, mind you, but I am not sure how much she can actually see.

Our baby girl is healthy and doing well. When she hears music, she moves a lot more. We were at the Willamette Valley Fiddle Contest yesterday, and every time the fiddlers would start playing, she would wiggle more and more. I put her little lullaby glow worm to Shannon's belly and pushed it's belly to make it play the music. Finn moved closer to it and would wiggle when the music would play. I hope she loves music and moving as much as we do! She and I will dance, even when the music has ended.

We have nine more weeks until the little Sprout reaches her due date. We have a lot left to do, but we are getting there, and we will get there by the time she is here. At least we'll have some things set up before she gets here. That's the plan, anyway. As for the rest of it, we are just continuing to go do the doc appointments and make sure that Shannon is healthy, and that Finn is healthy. So far, everything is going as it should, and we can't wait to meet our little baby girl and show her off to the universe.