Chronically Awesome!

I know this is usually all about the Finnja and her recent escapades, but this is going to take a little bit of a different feel than normal. It will still have to do with kiddo, but also how it is to be a parent with a chronic medical condition and how it sometimes affects our daily lives and interacting with her.
I was recently asked about my health and how everything has been going. I am sure most of you, if not everyone by now, knows that on April 1, 2009, I was FINALLY diagnosed with Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FM), after being in pain, being exhausted, just generally not feeling well at all for about 15 years. It was a very long process to get that diagnosis. I was treated for so many different ailments, taking me through many surgeries I didn't need, some I did, medications that wreaked havoc on my system, sent me into side effects that were extremely dangerous and frightening, emergency room visits, hospital stays, etc.
I went through over fifteen years of this stuff. That was half of my life at that point. It is a pretty significant amount of time to put into something that you have been told by medical professionals that is "all in your head" even though your body is telling you something else. I felt like I was at a doctors office every week. I would go to specialist after specialist and no one could help or figure it out. They would perform a surgery or give me a new medication or tell me to go stretch or get injections or try acupuncture. None of it was at all helpful. Until I went to a neurologist on April 1, 2009. The day he saw me, he asked for my symptoms, he pressed 18 different points of my body, and diagnosed me right then and there. He told me he could see me, but wasn't totally equipped to handle my case. I am thankful he was honest about that.
I took that information back to my doctors and my Physical Therapists. My Physical Therapist gave me a name for someone in Portland who not only specializes in FM, but she also has it. The light at the end of my tunnel had been found. I got a referral and up to Portland I went, to the Frida Center for Fibromyalgia. Working with my doctor there has been enlightening and amazing. I have found a new hope, a new direction, and most importantly, a doctor who cares and understands, and wants to find answers to help me.
My final appointment was last week. Sadly, with insurance companies the way they are, and funding such as it is, the doors to the Frida Center are closing. It makes my heart so heavy to know that they have done such great things, not only with me, but with so many other people. I would not be any where near where I am today with out Dr. Genevra Liptan and her fellow doctors and nurses at the Frida Center. Hopefully we can keep in contact and I can see her when she finds another place to practice.
So a little on Fibromyalgia...if you have never heard of it, it isn't that surprising, even though it is one of the most prevalent illnesses in the world.  It is fairly "new" in terms of research and understanding. To date, there is no known cause, or cure.  There isn't a genetic link. Symptoms are variable from person to person. Most fibromites are female, but a number of males suffer from the condition as well. Your body is in constant Fight-or-Flight mode. You don't sleep, pain is a daily occurrence, thoughts are jumbled and thinking is difficult at times. You lose words that were right there and struggle through sentences. Arms and legs tingle with sharp pains like they were "asleep", vision issues start to happen, eating becomes an issue, daily tasks become terribly difficult. And that is all on a good day.
If you would like to know what it feels like on a "flare" day, think back to the last time you were really sick, either with food poisoning or the flu. After you were done puking, you feel the soreness all over, the exhaustion both mentally and physically, the fighting to get out of bed, deciding if you would rather sleep or eat, deciding if you were going to go out or stay home, if you would try to get up off of the couch, even deciding if you can  hold your bladder just a little longer so you wouldn't have to get up--that is a flare day. Flares are when all of the symptoms are activated and your body can't relax or let go. Your mind is all over the place and pain takes over your entire system. There isn't much to do except wait it out. You have to be stronger than the pain and the uncomfortable feelings that come with it. You do anything possible to take your mind off it. If you don't, you lose.
I am still trying to get a hold on my symptoms of FM. I am doing a lot better than I was when I first started this journey, but every day is a new step, a new challenge, a new beginning. For me, each day is different. Will I wake up in pain today? Will I have feeling in my hands? Will I have a migraine? Is my back going to hurt? Will stress get to me? All these questions come in. The thing that helps me the most is seeing my amazing wife and my beautiful little girl when I wake up every day. To see them, and get that morning kiss from Shannon, and having Finny run at me with her arms open, her huge smile and giggling until she runs into me, even when it hurts, getting that hug is the best feeling in the world.
There are days when I can't hold Finn as much as I want to. She can't climb on me when she wants to. I can't chase her or get on the floor with her and play with her like I want to. On those days, she and I figure it out. She is learning to be "gentle with Dada" and is learning that I am not pushing her away because I don't want her to be with me, but because it hurts. I have to move her hand off of my chest because she pushed on a trigger point, and sometimes that is the worst thing ever for her, but I tell her to be gentle and give her a hug and redirect her and everything is good in our world again. For being so small and young, she is a very smart kiddo.
She seems to sense when I am having a flare day or just need some time. She gets quiet and will bring a book to me and climb up next to me in the chair or she will bring toys to me instead of me going to where she is to play. She is very cooperative when I need to change her diaper or feed her. When I am feeling good, this sometimes isn't always easy, so it is really nice when I am feeling unwell that she does help out.
It also helps that she is usually more than willing to sit or lay with me in the chair and watch cartoons and take a nap in the afternoon. Afternoons are pretty much when I hit a wall, and to have a little one who seems to need a nap around the same time as I do, works perfectly for both of us. When she doesn't need a nap, however, it makes for a very tired and grumpy day at our house. It is a good thing she is cute, because that is what keeps me from grounding her for  her entire life or sticking her in her crib until mommy gets home. Well, that and she can now climb out of her crib, but that is beside the point.
We get through each day together. With Shannon and Finn. With family who is right next door or right there for us on the phone if we ever need them. With our dear friend Amanda who helps us almost every day. With our amazing friends we see every Tuesday-Ashley, Megan, Erin, Eric, Tracey, Kevin, all of our soccer people. With our friends who watch Finn while we are at work--Korey, Hannah, and Ashley (again ;) ). I wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
Being a parent is hard, but I wouldn't give it up for anything, ever. The love I have for that kiddo of mine will never be replaced or changed or taken away from me. Having a chronic, painful illness while parenting sucks. Would I trade that? Yes, of course I would. But if it meant that I wouldn't be a parent anymore? No, not a chance. I will continue to figure it out and get by. It also helps that I have a high pain tolerance. And a pretty awesome kiddo.

Dare Devil!

Finn has started to develop her dare-devil side. Climbing up on the chairs or couch isn’t good enough for her anymore. No. Now, she has to climb on the chairs, then climb on the end tables to go to the other chair, or to the couch. Or, she has to bring a toy that she can stand on so she can be tall enough to climb on to the coffee table. We get after her for this, but it becomes a game to her, naturally. Every time we tell her no, she laughs and giggles and goes right back to doing it. After the third time, we take whatever object she has been using as a ladder and move it away so she can no longer stand on it for leverage. She then finds the next best thing. It is really a never ending process with that kid. She has no fear. She stands up in the chairs, she ups and down, she leans over as far as she can over the edge. I think Shannon and I have had near heart-attacks because of her shenanigans. She is very clever and knows darn well what she is doing, but she still scares us! We can’t take our eyes off of her for very long, or she will do something that will probably traumatize her, or us, for life.

Every day has an exciting new adventure. It could be a new flavor being introduced (fajitas), or a new game (silicone measuring cups stick really well to baby heads), or a new outfit (hand-me-downs are the best), or a new movie (anything with music). Anything different or new is amazingly exciting for her, and leads to minutes of entertainment for all of us. Yes, only minutes. She is still just a little one, and even if we just get minutes of entertainment, we will take it!

Finny has found her giggle, and every time she does it, she makes my heart soar. It is just uninhibited laughter from her little belly, and her cheeks squish up and her all teeth show, and her eyes squint and her nose wrinkles. It is the most adorable face I have ever seen, and the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. It is much better than the high-pitched glass-breaking screech that she pulls out of nowhere. That will make your ears bleed, let me tell you.

Sleeping in her crib has still been difficult for her. She was fine for a long time when she was first born, and then we traveled a few months ago. When we came back, she has not wanted to sleep in her own crib. It is interesting because when we were away, she slept in a play-n-pack, so it isn’t like we co-slept with her. She just doesn’t want to be in her room or crib by herself. She will sleep a few hours in there, but once she wakes up, she will not go back to sleep unless she is in bed with us. We need to train her to sleep in her crib, but with both of us working full time, and Shannon starting her new job, and me with my stuff, it is hard to have the energy and want to do it. Plus we really don’t mind snuggling with our little sweetie. But, sleeping would be a lot better for us all. Maybe soon, we will find a way to train us all about non-co-sleeping again. That is for another day.

As for now, Finny is still enjoying her donuts every Saturday at NutCakes, enjoying her visits from her many Aunties who spoil the dickens out of her, enjoying pestering her dogs, enjoying visiting her friends at the Sports Park, and enjoying being the best, most rambunctious little 16-month-old she can be. She is so full of love and life. We count each day as a blessing with our Lil’ Bug.

It's been a while...

I haven’t written on here in a very long time. It hasn’t been for lack of wanting or lack of feeling like it. We have been in the eye of the storm we call “Hurricane Finnian” for a while now, so there you have it. We really wouldn’t change a thing, though, so bear with me.

So last we checked in, she was eight months old and had her first tooth. Fast-forward to almost 16 months old, four teeth on top, five on the bottom and four molars coming in all at once! It has been a nightmare of a few weeks, to be sure. One thing we have discovered is the power of Grape Tylenol. Not Cherry, mind you. Grape. She loves her grape flavored medicine and pretends to put up a fight, but turns her head back (most of the time) to take it all, like the big girl she is.

Finny is a very independent little girl, finding it frustrating when she can’t climb up on the couch or chair without help. She likes to figure things out on her own, and when she does, she looks to anyone around her for approval, smiling and clapping, and expecting others to do the same for her, which we do. How can we resist, really.

Finn has many words, and has even started putting small sentences together to get her points across. Her signing needs work, but that is more our fault than hers. When she is hungry or thirsty, she stands at the gate to the kitchen and makes noise to get our attention, then we follow her and she points to what she wants; either the cabinet for a treat, or the fridge for food or drink.

She loves going to soccer at the park to see all of her friends, big and small. Finny loves her buddies and is always waiting to show off something new that she learned. When we have visitors at our house, she never hesitates to show people a favorite toy or book, or how she can crawl through her tunnels or sit in her chair. Her collection of zoo animals and super heroes are always one of the best things to show people, along with a book or two. Don’t be surprised if you ever come to visit, if you get invited to play with her Little People toys or asked to read her a book.

Finny is an amazing little soul. She is so loving and gentle, with a huge personality already. She will give you a hug or kiss when you want one, or just sit with you when you need company. She is the best at making you giggle, as hers is infectious, and she is always smiling or laughing. Her impromptu dance parties are nothing short of amazing and you can’t help but join in. And then there is her little voice. Even if you can’t understand her, you really can seem to know what she is talking about. She is just brilliant.

Finn has learned many things in her short time on this rock. She knows how to play peak-a-boo, how to put on her shirt, and take it off, how to use a fork (mostly), how to put on a hat, how to change the pictures on my phone, send texts, destroy the living room in three seconds, etc. Today she learned how to turn on a flashlight, which was HUGE! She still needs to learn that the light actually comes FROM the flashlight, and isn’t a separate thing that is on the wall that can be held on to, but we’ll get there. She also knows to answer “no” when asked if she wants to go on a motorcycle ride. She also learned how to steal donuts (something we will not be encouraging). Her fastball needs a little work, but her change-up is right on. I think the Sox should be coming to our door soon to check on their best prospect. They need a good closer after last year’s meltdown. J

Our little girl is growing up so fast. When she was tiny, I remember saying I couldn’t wait for the day that she could walk and hold my hand. Now that she is there, and it is so awesome to have that with her, I kind of miss that tiny little cuddle bug sometimes. But then I look over at that squealing little monster playing with her Little People Garage and licking the dog’s face, and I don’t think I want to go back. There’s so much more to learn and explore together, with us, with our family, with our friends, with everyone who loves our little girl. She is lucky to have them.

And we are all so very lucky to have her.  

And in Other News...

We have our first tooth!! Eight months have flown by, and Finny has cut her first tooth. It popped to the surface about a week ago. She hasn't complained one bit. The drool production hasn't increased, either, to my delight. Culinary wise, she has taken on some new foods, including carrots (her new favorite), and peas (her least favorite). Shannon also blended up some sweet potatoes again to see if she might have decided to like those this time. She does. We are venturing into more and more foods for her, and keeping up with the other ones we have introduced. We have also brought Mum-Mums and Puffs into play. She can feed herself these things, and watching her find her mouth has been quite amusing for us. Sometimes the Puffs will get stuck on her cute puffy cheeks, or the Mums will end up sideways and her mouth will get stuck open. We, naturally help her, but laugh in the process, which keeps her giggling, as well. The dogs have also learned where they need to sit in order to get a tasty treat. Finny is very keen on sharing with them. Brody eats more Puffs than Finny does. He is not a dumb dog. Lilly waits until it is over, then helps to clean off the baby. A little dog slobber never hurt anyone.
Our little beast is growing like a weed. She is moving around the floor at the speed of light. Not forward yet, but she can go backwards faster than anyone I have ever seen! We put her down and two seconds later, she is clear across the room. I fear we are going to have to clean off the bottom shelves and the bottom of the coffee table sooner than we had anticipated. She has also started to try to pull herself up. She hasn't quite figured out how to get her little knees under her yet, but I am sure that will come soon enough. We have found her more than a few times kneeling in her crib and holding on to the side, peeking over the railing. It may be time to lower the mattress once again.
Finnian is growing up way too fast, but we wouldn't change anything. She is a loving, smart, stubborn, curious, intense little girl. She figures things very quickly. She is always watching everything around her, seeming to take it all in. She will look at things, then look at us, and look back at whatever it was she was looking at with such wonder and amazement. Her eyes get so big and her mouth becomes a huge gum-filled smile. The sounds she makes are "ooo's" and "aaahh's". It is a big world with so many things to discover, and she has just begun her journey. To be a part of it is so humbling. To watch her see new things and try to figure out what it is, what it does, how it feels, what it smells like, what it looks like, tastes like, how it moves, everything; it has been such an amazing journey for me. I can't wait for every day to discover more with her.
We recently went to visit my sister and her family in Idaho and went to the zoo. Watching her see all the new animals and hear all the sounds was so cool. She even touched a goat! The giggle that came out of her warmed my heart so much, I can't even begin to explain it. She would watch her cousin Caden run around and play and we would feel her squirm like she wanted to do the same. It is going to be so fun when she is old enough to play with C, D and E at the Boise Zoo!
We went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium for Ina's Day (father's day). It was her first time seeing marine animals. She was fascinated by everything she saw. She couldn't take her eyes off the fish and crabs and jellies. A sea lion kept swimming up to the glass and rubbing against it right in front of her. She would reach out for it and try to pet it. The otters were out and she would giggle and reach out and watch them swim and play. I can't wait to take her back when she is a little older and can tell us what she sees and what she thinks about it all.
It is hard to believe that eight months has gone by. Sometimes it feels like it is such a short time, but sometimes not. It feels like she has always been with us, so eight months isn't really a big deal. She will always be our little buggaboo, no matter how old she is. And I will still play on the floor with her, and pretend gravity got the best of me, and squash her like a bug and listen to her giggle and giggle. It really is the greatest sound in the world. I could listen to her giggle forever.

Time Goes Fast...

When you're having fun!!! Finnian is six months old today! She is such an amazing little wonderful joy to have in our lives. We look back and can't believe that it has been six months already. It has just flown by. It seems like just yesterday, we were in the hospital, welcoming this beautiful little being into the world. Now we have this tiny little person in our home.
She has started to discover the world around her more and more every day. She started to hold her bottle a few months ago, but has really got the hang of it now. She has been able to flip over and roll back and forth for quite some time now, as well. Signs are coming that she wants to crawl. Child's pose is one of her favorite yoga positions to be in, and she starts to wiggle and move, like she is trying to crawl. I think we are going to have a mobile little girl soon! She already moves in circles enough, and pushes herself backwards. Now she just needs to get going forward. We are trying not to push her, since she catches on to things quickly. She'll be moving forward on her own soon enough.
Finny has also shown signs of getting some teeth coming in. We feel around in her mouth and she has a couple bumps on her gums. We hope they will wait a little bit longer to pop through, but she's been really drooly and clingy and very stinky, so we anticipate their arrival any time now. On Wednesday this week, we will take her to the doc to see how big she is and when she can start eating "real" food, so maybe those teeth will come in handy soon!
Little Bug's favorite toys now are, of course Jonas the Moose (#2, since #1 got eaten by Brody in the great dog fiasco of 2012), Sophie the Giraffe (thank you Auntie Cindi!), Mr. Banana (thanks Uncle Albert!), her rings (thanks Nana and Poppa), and her popper beads she got for Christmas (Thanks Momma and Ina!). She loves to ride in her Pink Caddy, and loves to go for rides in the car. She also enjoys spending time with her puppies and kitties and her Momma and Ina and other family members. Finny loves to sit in the grass and play in the water. She loves to be active.
We will all get to see Aunt Andi, Uncle Brian, Cousin Caden, Cousin Devyn, and Cousin Erynn soon, and Finny is looking forward to meeting all of them for the first time. The twins are almost three months old now, so that will be really fun. Cousin Caden is a great big brother, and we know he will be a great big cousin, as well. We love our Foley's!
Six months has gone by so quickly, and we know that it isn't going to slow down at all. Finny is growing like a weed and learning new things every single day. She is a smart little girl. We can't wait to see what's next! Though if time could slow down a little that would be nice...
(on another note, I will try to be better about updating!)

Three Months Old…

And still learning! Every day is a new adventure, for all of us! Finn has recently discovered her hands, which has been fascinating to not only her, but to us as well. She will sit for long periods of time, watching her hands move, bringing them up to her face, and wiggling her tiny fingers, turning her wrists so the back of her hands face her, then turn the palms back to her. She looks so inquisitively at them, and with such wonder that these things are there in front of her, moving and fidgeting. I am curious if she even knows that SHE is making these marvelous little things do the moving, or if she thinks they are some magical creatures she has yet to figure out.

Finny has also recently discovered her mouth. This is a fun little game we are starting to play. Everything has started to find its way into the small opening in her face. Her hands, our fingers, her doggie, our clothes, her blankets. Anything and everything she can reach finds a way up to her little lips and somehow ends up in a pool of baby spit. Now, this wouldn’t be terrible, if her Ina (me) didn’t have a huge aversion to drool. It is so gross to feel this wet spot forming on my shirt from my little girl nuzzling her way into my chest. I know she is just trying to find her cozy spot, so I try to deal with it, but I seriously get dry heaves from it. I fear I am going to be in serious trouble when she starts teething. I can handle any other gross bodily fluid that comes out of her, but this drool thing is beyond me. It stems from a bad childhood experience at the babysitters. I feel sick just thinking about it, so enough about me.

As I sit here writing this, two little blue eyes are looking at me, and when I look back over at her, I see the biggest smile from my kiddo. She is trying to pretend she is shy but she is really not good at that game. When I start to talk to her, she will start to coo and make some noises back. It is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. Her little voice is so soft and adorable (when she isn’t screaming her head off). Luckily for us, she only does that when she is uncomfortable or when she really needs something, which isn’t really that often. We tend to know her schedule and have learned her cues pretty quickly. We are still learning and she is a good teacher. She is patient most of the time, which helps us not get too overwhelmed. We are lucky to have her and have such an “easy” baby.

 Finny got a lot of fun toys and books for Christmas that will help her learn and develop as she grows. We have already started her playing with some of them, as well as some of the stuff she got from the showers we had before she was born. She loves the tactile stuff and things that make noise. She also loves to see her reflection in the little mirrors on some of her toys. I admit that I enjoy playing with her toys, as well. It is fun for us all, and we really enjoy the time we get to spend with her, teaching her different things and helping her in her growth and development. We make sure to tell her what things are and point out colors and shapes and animals or things like that. She will pick things up, I am sure. She is a smart little cookie.

Three months has gone by so fast even though it isn’t really that long of a time. The delivery and bringing her home seems like SO long ago, even more than three months. Now we are pretty much in a routine, so used to having her here, very comfortable with her, and can’t really remember a time that she wasn’t here. We waited for her for so long, that it really feels like she was always with us. She just wasn’t physically with us for a while. Now she is, and it seems so natural to take care of her. Yes, there is something new every single day, and we are learning and growing right along with her, but it is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Having a family is the greatest gift ever.

Now I just have to wait for Finny to wake up so we can play and laugh, make faces at each other and talk, torment the dogs and have fun the rest of the day. Then when Mommy gets home, she can join us, and our hearts will be happy and our home will be filled with laughter, joy, and love.

Five and a half weeks and counting...

The past five and a half weeks have been an amazing mix of so many different emotions and feelings and everything else all rolled into one big, amazing blur. I still go through every day, as I did before the past five and a half weeks, but now, I have this little girl who is here, changing how my every day actually looks and plays out. It is funny how such a little thing can change you so much, and how much control she has over everything that goes on in your life.

Someone asked if parenthood was what I expected. I had to answer that I didn't really know. Frankly I didn't know what to expect. I knew that it was something I really wanted and something that I felt, to my core, that I was meant to do. Finnian has brought so much joy and happiness to me, I can't even describe it. I also have other feelings of worry and doubt, not in regard to having her, but in myself that I may not be good enough for her. I want to strive to be my best for her and do what is right for her so she has the best life she possibly can. I worry for her future. I know that she will be fine, and I know that I am and will be a good parent to her. I know that I have support from a lot of people, including my wife. I know we will be our best for her. I still worry. I have been told that it's normal for all parents, though...

Anyway, Finn is growing and becoming stronger every day. She has started to track things better with her eyes, and has started to find her voice. She giggles and coos a lot now. She has even found her little thumb to suck on. We interact with each other for hours every day, making noises or funny faces at each other. I talk or sing or read to her. She usually falls asleep on me when she takes her afternoon nap. We have been able to figure out what her different cries mean for the most part. Usually we can calm her down pretty quickly, but sometimes she stays fussy. We just comfort her as best we can and help her work it out.

We have only had five and a half weeks with our daughter, but I can't really remember life before her. It feels like I have been with her forever. It is a very strange feeling to have, especially for someone like me, who never really held kids or dreamed of having kids before. I haven't really been around infants and hadn't changed many diapers before. Babies scared me, really. Now that Finn has joined our family, I want to hold her as much as she will let me. I miss her when I am away from her, even if it's only for an hour. I come back and I am so happy to see her, and see her little smile and her little eyes when she sees me and recognizes me. It's awesome, and such a good feeling. It's like nothing I have ever experienced before.

These past five and a half weeks have blown by so fast. I know that weeks will keep going by fast. I know that I will keep worrying about Finny. I know that I will keep being my best for her. And I know that I will keep loving my family with all that I have.