Five and a half weeks and counting...

The past five and a half weeks have been an amazing mix of so many different emotions and feelings and everything else all rolled into one big, amazing blur. I still go through every day, as I did before the past five and a half weeks, but now, I have this little girl who is here, changing how my every day actually looks and plays out. It is funny how such a little thing can change you so much, and how much control she has over everything that goes on in your life.

Someone asked if parenthood was what I expected. I had to answer that I didn't really know. Frankly I didn't know what to expect. I knew that it was something I really wanted and something that I felt, to my core, that I was meant to do. Finnian has brought so much joy and happiness to me, I can't even describe it. I also have other feelings of worry and doubt, not in regard to having her, but in myself that I may not be good enough for her. I want to strive to be my best for her and do what is right for her so she has the best life she possibly can. I worry for her future. I know that she will be fine, and I know that I am and will be a good parent to her. I know that I have support from a lot of people, including my wife. I know we will be our best for her. I still worry. I have been told that it's normal for all parents, though...

Anyway, Finn is growing and becoming stronger every day. She has started to track things better with her eyes, and has started to find her voice. She giggles and coos a lot now. She has even found her little thumb to suck on. We interact with each other for hours every day, making noises or funny faces at each other. I talk or sing or read to her. She usually falls asleep on me when she takes her afternoon nap. We have been able to figure out what her different cries mean for the most part. Usually we can calm her down pretty quickly, but sometimes she stays fussy. We just comfort her as best we can and help her work it out.

We have only had five and a half weeks with our daughter, but I can't really remember life before her. It feels like I have been with her forever. It is a very strange feeling to have, especially for someone like me, who never really held kids or dreamed of having kids before. I haven't really been around infants and hadn't changed many diapers before. Babies scared me, really. Now that Finn has joined our family, I want to hold her as much as she will let me. I miss her when I am away from her, even if it's only for an hour. I come back and I am so happy to see her, and see her little smile and her little eyes when she sees me and recognizes me. It's awesome, and such a good feeling. It's like nothing I have ever experienced before.

These past five and a half weeks have blown by so fast. I know that weeks will keep going by fast. I know that I will keep worrying about Finny. I know that I will keep being my best for her. And I know that I will keep loving my family with all that I have.

Labor day...

It has been almost a week since our baby girl was born. What an adventure it has already been. We wouldn’t trade it for the world!

On the night of October 15^th, Shannon started to have contractions around 10:30pm that were very consistent, coming every 4 to 7 minutes apart, lasting between 45 to 75 seconds long. She was in some pain, so we called the doctor’s office around 11:30pm, and they told us to go up to the hospital. I grabbed our other bag we had packed for the hospital, as we had already put in the overnight bag and the car seat in my car. I got ready, helped get Shannon ready, said goodbye to her mom, who had just got in the day before,  texted my folks to let them know, and we were off to the hospital.

We got all checked in, and they strapped Shannon up to all the monitors, and checked her over. She was at 4cm and at 80% effaced. We ended up walking around the fourth floor for an hour to see if we could get her to dilate more, but that didn’t work. They ended up sending us home, once again. We were both frustrated because the contractions had been going on for a few weeks, and her cervix had been dilating, but not very fast. We got home at 3:30am and went to bed, exhausted and upset.

At 6:15am, I woke up to Shannon smacking me and saying “Ouch, Owie! It hurts so bad!” We again got out of bed, got ready, grabbed the bag, and headed off to the hospital again. We got there, and the admitting person said “They sent you home?” We got checked in again and headed up to the fourth floor. Shannon got checked by Dr. AJ McCann , who said she was now 5cm and 100% effaced. There was no way we were going home this time! They started her on an IV, got her comfortable.  Soon after, the anesthesiologist came in and put in the epidural. That took FOREVER to get in! After about 40 minutes of trying, the nurse suggested using a birthing ball to wrap her arms around so she could spread her spine apart more. That worked like a charm, and five minutes later, it was in.

They started running some petosin, pain killers, and antibiotics for her. That was a lot of things being pumped into her, plus something else to boost her blood pressure because with all of that, her BP was really low. None of this was having any effect on Finn, so that was good. Having all the meds also helped Shannon relax enough to get some sleep. It also enabled me to get some sleep too, little as it was.

The nurses were in and out all day long. When I say “all day long” I mean that literally. We were there all day. Nurses changed shifts, Dr. McCann came quite a few times to check Shannon’s progress, I was told to go get something to eat. Because Shannon had the epidural, she couldn’t leave the room, so there was a lot of sitting around and talking, napping if we could, and a LOT of being bored. But then, when 5:00pm rolled around, she was 10cm, 100% and Finnian was ready to greet the world!

I texted the moms and told them it was time to start pushing, so they coordinated and came up. Shannon’s sister also came up. They waited in the family room, as Shannon and I wanted it to be just the two of us in the room. If we needed someone else, we had a plan, but with the epidural, that plan wasn’t necessary.

There was one nurse on one side of Shannon holding a leg, I was on the other holding a leg, and Dr. McCann was ready to catch! Shannon was pushing her little heart out. About a half hour into it, Dr. McCann got a call that someone was in another room and needed her right away. She had to leave, but Shannon continued to push. About an hour later, Dr. McCann came back, and checked on Shannon. She had to go deliver another baby, but would be right back. When she came back the last time, she was back for good. Shannon was a champ. She kept pushing and breathing and following the nurse and Dr. McCann. She did great.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, I could see a tiny bit of Finny’s head! On the next push, there was a bit more, and all the sudden, there was a violent turn, and there was her face, then her shoulders, and then she came all the way out, and she was on Shannon’s chest before I knew it! Our baby we had been waiting for was out in the universe for the first time, taking her first breaths! She let out a little cry as she was getting wiped off and getting things suctioned out of her nose and mouth.

The nurses took her away from us for a few minutes to get her cleaned up and wiped off. They didn’t keep her away from us for very long, though. Her head was all bruised and crooked from coming out at a bad angle. The doctor assured us it would look normal in a day or two. She checked out in good health and her measurements put her in the “small” category. She was 6 pounds 12 ounces, and 19 ½ inches long.

It was the most amazing feeling to see her, finally, in person, after wondering for so long about what she would look like, or how she would move, or what she would sound like. Just standing beside Shannon, watching her and Finny, was probably one of the greatest feelings I have ever had. It was like our family had found its missing piece in that wiggly little pink sweet baby girl laying there. It was beautiful.

 The next couple days we spent in the hospital. Shannon was recovering from giving birth. Finn was recovering from being born. I was recovering from all of it. We had visitors come see us, which was really fun. She met family and friends and they smuggled in food and drinks for us. Hospital food is not that good, FYI. Thank you to everyone who participated in that, by the way. We had many medical visitors, as well, who talked to us about care for Finn. We got a lot of education in our few days we spent there. It was good. We feel like we have a lot of support from everyone and if we have questions we need to ask, we know where we can find the answers.

Our overall experience at the hospital was good. Everyone was very supportive and very kind to all of us. The nurses and medical assistants were all so nice and extremely helpful. The other people who dropped in to give us information were very informative and answered our questions. The midwives who checked on us were great, as they always have been. Dr. McCann was amazing, as well. She kept Shannon going through the labor and was very supportive and encouraging throughout the whole thing to both of us. Her sense of humor and her personality fit with her nurses’, and with ours, and she was exactly what we needed. She was awesome. I find it ironic that she is the doctor who delivered Finn, when she is also the doctor who performed my hysterectomy years ago. Hum…

 We got home on Wednesday, and have been having fun getting used to each other since then. The dogs love her. Lilly has already started to guard her. Brody is very curious about her. The cats ignore her, which is fine. Shannon and I are getting used to doing things on our own with her, and figuring her out. She is quite a little wiggly baby. She doesn’t fuss much unless she is hungry. She is pretty chill for the most part, which is fine by us!

It will take a while for all of us to get used to new schedules and new things, but we’ll get there. We are all in this together, and we will get it. We are all new at this, and it will just take some time but I think we are doing pretty darn good at it! It’s something we have wanted for a long time. We love her so much and will do whatever we can for her.

There have been lots of firsts this week. First baby, first poopy diaper changed, first giggle for her, first bath, first bottle, first doctor appointment, first visits from some family and friends. There will continue to be many more firsts coming up and we can’t wait to continue to have them with her. 

Shannon and I have been waiting for Finnian for so long, and now that she is here, we can’t imagine life without her. She is so amazing. The little things she does, even laying down, looking around, sucking on her fingers or smiling up at us, or making funny noises, bring us such joy in our hearts. Becoming a parent is such an amazing thing, especially for someone who wasn’t sure she wanted to be a parent before she met Shannon. I am so thankful she changed my mind. J

Adventures in Waiting...

It has certainly been an adventurous few weeks for the Reeds. We have had doctor appointments every week, and have managed to go to the ER or urgent care each week for the past three weeks. Granted, one visit was for me for a ridiculously huge and ugly spider bite that is now gone, three weeks later.

Anyway, things are progressing well, and we are six days away from Finn's due date. We had a long night last night, with contractions coming for hours, anywhere from 15 to 120 seconds long, and from seven to 15 minutes apart. All of the sudden, they decided to stop at three in the morning. I guess little sprout just didn't want to be born yet. Shannon was able to get some sleep, more than I was. I was awake, restless, ready to get her in the car if I needed to. I had my hand on her tummy, feeling the contractions and timing them, even when she was sleeping. I guess I did learn something in those classes, after all.

A couple weeks ago, we had a visit to the ER, when Shannon  hadn't felt little Finn moving much. We called the on-call midwife and she had Shannon drink some juice and lay down to do a kick count. There should have been ten in an hour or more. We only felt four, so I got Shannon up and in the car and off we went. The ER guy got us up to the fourth floor, and the nurse got Shannon all hooked up to the monitors. Finn's heartbeat was strong as ever, so that was a great sign. She seemed to just be tired that day and decided to freak her mommies out. We went back home knowing that she was fine, and Shannon was fine, so our minds were at ease.

Last week we went to have a visit with a woman who basically coordinates the birth process up at the hospital. We went over our birth plan and got the papers to fill out for Finn's birth certificate. I will be able to be the second parent on it, so that will be awesome. Being a legal guardian right off the bat is awesome. I mean, she is my kid, after all, so that shouldn't be an issue, but sometimes it is. I am glad that in this case, because Shannon and I are in a DP, it isn't.

So, now everything is in order and we know where to go for the hospital and what to do, and we're ready. Shannon has had contractions and I've done the timing. Now we just need little Finny to cooperate and get on with it. We are ready for her and are getting impatient for her. This has been the longest pregnancy ever, since we have basically known since the day of insemination that Shannon was pregnant. I don't think I can take another night like last night, so I am hoping she will come soon.

My sister pointed out that St. Francis' day is tomorrow. That would be a perfect day to be born, given our love for animals, that we are sure to pass on to her... :) Come on, little one. The world is waiting to meet you.

Busy, busy, busy...

This has been a busy week for us and the little Sprout. We had our baby class on Monday, where we got a tour of the 4^th floor. That is where the delivery will take place. I have experience with this floor, which brought back painful memories, which I will talk about later. During our class, we also did some practice breathing and things like that. I think Shannon will be just fine.

We were going to watch a video, but again, the video components were messed up, and the sound wouldn’t work. Our instructor called tech support, but they never came. She was somewhat frazzled by the whole thing. I think everyone in the class was actually ok that it didn’t work, so we didn’t have to watch any more videos about placentas and c-sections and stuff like that.

She gave us enough details about it, as it was. Our class also got all the details about what happens when the “bag of waters” breaks and what happens if the doctor has to break it. It’s with this device that looks like a giant crochet hook. It isn’t really the most pleasant looking thing in the world. Hopefully Shannon won’t have to have that used, but it is there if needed.

We talked more about birthing positions and practiced more breathing techniques and things like that, and then we went on the tour. The birthing rooms are on the 4^th floor of the hospital. I have been there before, when I was 27. No, I haven’t given birth. I had a hysterectomy, and that is where I was sent for my recovery. Yes, I was sent to the 4^th floor, surrounded by rooms with little babies and happy families, enjoying the new lives, while I was recovering from my surgery, groggy and in pain, throwing up, feeling awful. Being 27, the prime of baby-making years, it was incredibly irresponsible of the staff at the hospital to put me in that part of that floor. It was insensitive, and beyond comprehension. For my part, I was at a point that I had accepted the fact that I wouldn’t have kids of my own, even when I was 15. It was hard for me, of course, but the thing that was the worst was being in my room, trying to rest and recover from my surgery, and hearing the little babies, crying all night, hearing family members asking for things for the new moms or new babies at the nurses’ station, while I was trying to hold down water, or trying to get up and walk around.

To make matters worse, after I got home from said adventure in the “baby ward” when I was 27, I started to get flyers in the mail congratulating me on being a new mom. I also got diapers, formula, wipes, and other related baby samples. It got frustrating and started to sting every time I would get something in the mail. I wrote a generic letter to mail to all of these companies that said there was a mistake at the hospital and that I was there for a hysterectomy, not a baby, and to remove me from their mailing lists. I also wrote a letter to the hospital explaining the situation and how it made me feel and everything that it had caused. Needless to say I got many apology letters.

Anyway, on our tour we saw the rooms and learned a lot about the birth process in the rooms. We learned where all the “stuff” is, like the birthing ball, and the stool and the bar and the tub and all that good stuff. So now we are all set and know what to do and where to go.

On Tuesday, we were up at the hospital keeping my mom company while my dad had a little procedure, so we went and got pre-registered for our little Finnian to come. It was the fastest pre-registration that I have ever done. We just had to turn in the form and that was it. It was brilliant.

On Wednesday, we had our 36 week appointment with Angie C, a wonderful midwife with the Samaritan group that we see. She is great. She went over our ultrasound from last week. Finny is in the 30^th percentile for size, and she is apparently a “perfect little girl”. We have another appointment next week, since we are at the weekly appointment stage.

We are down to 24 days and counting now. We can’t wait until we get to meet our little baby girl. She can stay cooking for a little while longer…but we will be here and waiting for her to make her grand entrance to the universe.

Profile of our Neno...

We have come to refer to our donor as Neno, because of the number he was given as the sperm donor. We have grown quite fond of this man we don't even know, because of the gift he has given us in helping us make our little family a little bigger with our new addition. We can't wait to meet Finnian and see what she looks like and see how much she looks like Shannon. The interesting part will be to see how much she doesn't. These will be the characteristics that she will have inherited from Neno. 

When we chose our donor, we were looking at the OHSU donor site. We were looking at the page in separate locations, and we both had decided to pick someone most similar to me, in all characteristics that we possibly could. We each picked three of them. All three that we picked were the same. My second choice was her third, and her second choice was my third. Our first choices were Neno, having been independent of each other when we were looking at it, but we were both happy that it worked out that way!

A few things that really stood out for us were his back ground, which is a mix of European and native ethnicities like mine. We are both a good Heinz 57 mix, so that was perfect. We also both have brown hair and eyes. He is a lot taller than I am, but that is ok. We are both athletic, nerdy, have strong visuo-spacial thinking, into music and art, love to read, are both right handed, have good eye sight, and many other things. He probably has a bit more arm and chest hair than I do, and his beard grows a bit more than mine. He is a non-smoker and has dimples and potters thumb. He finds himself thoughtful, caring, self-reliant, helpful, likable, and funny.

He describes himself a lot like I would describe me, in that he enjoys being with friends and family, but also enjoys his down time. He likes being in social situations with his friends where it is comfortable for him. He is very outgoing to people around him. He enjoys cooking and trying new things. People are easily drawn to him. He did very well on the Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis which tests personality characteristics, as well. He does tend to be a little impulsive, but who isn't.

Another thing that I really liked about him was that he included a poem by Khilil Gibran in his profile.

And a woman held a babe against her bosom and said, "Speak to us of Children."

And He said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house for tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that

His arrow may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The last thing that I really liked about Neno's profile was the "Kid Page" that he filled out. This guy was a lot like me when I was little. Playing outside, playing with Legos, running around until the street lights came on to signal it was time to home. His favorite vegetable was green beans! He played with Legos because of the infinite possibilities. I remember being a little one and playing with them all the time. Building everything I could imagine, tying yarn on them to make electric wires for my cities, or gondolas for the mountains. I would build bunkers for my G.I.Joes. It was awesome. Neno also played soccer, and chess. He read the book White Fang. He remembers his dad watching TV late at night, like mine did (does), and playing with grasshoppers in the yard, and tunneling in the blackberry bushes. He has a lot of good childhood memories, and reading his kid section made me remember a lot of similar experiences I had as a kid. I can't wait to share them with Finn

It's because of Neno we will get to share those experiences. I will be forever thankful to him for being a donor and giving us this opportunity to be parents to our little one. He said he only did it for financial reasons, and that is ok. He may never know the gift he has given us, and that is ok, too. But he really has made a remarkable difference in our lives, and I am sure the lives of some other people, as well. We have a family because of him.

Thank you, Neno, whoever you are.

Things that make you go...

WTF?? Tonight was our second Birthing Class and I have to say that during class, my attitude was all over the place. I was happy, I was sad, I was upset, I was frustrated, I was giddy and excited. It was a lot, but in reality, welcome to my world. The two hours we were there is nothing short of how my normal days are, but just in a condensed version of how I feel lately.

We got there and saw familiar faces and chatted it up with some folks. It was great. Then the group broke up into Dads and Moms. Me being the "odd 'whoever' out" was told to go ahead and stay with the women, even though I am NOT pregnant and my role in Finnian's life is more of the typical "father" role. We did an exercise on positives and negatives of the pregnancy. The women listed things such as finding names, wondering of the future, nesting, bring the family together, as well as morning sickness, stretchmarks, clothes not fitting anymore, mood swings, swelling, bathroom trips more often. The Dads listed things like becoming a dad, new adventures, having a legacy, passing on knowledge, feeling the baby move, being closer to the partner, seeing ultrasounds, dealing with emotions of your partner, trying to be your best for her, figuring out finances and expenses. Which one do you think I relate to most? Yeah, not the pregnant ladies, that's for sure. Everything on the Dad's list are things that I have thought about. Very few things on the Mom's list are things that have crossed my mind, but that is because I am not a birth mom. I am a dad in this.

I am having a hard time finding my place in this class. It's not a class specifically designed for Moms and Dads only. That is how it is being taught, though, which is very frustrating. I am Shannon's coach, just as the other women have their male partners as their coaches. So what? I am as worthy as they are, if not more. She keeps referring to the coaches as "dads and whoever" or "husbands or whatever". At least tonight she used "partner" and "coaches" a lot more. Maybe she is learning. She knows that Shannon and i are together in this, and that I am not just her coach or friend. It would just be nice to have the same respect that she gives the guys, or have a male/female only class if she can't handle "different" couples.

One other thing that I didn't really appreciate about tonight was her lecture on breast feeding. Yes it is a healthy way to feed a child, and it is good and there are tons of benefits. We all know this. But there are some women who just can't do it. I wasn't breast fed. I couldn't due to allergies or something. I know many other people who weren't and I know many people who haven't been able to breast feed their kids. She rambled on for a good twenty minutes on how much better breast feeding is than anything else and made it seem like if you can't breast feed, your kid is going to die. She rambled off stats from decades ago that aren't even relevant anymore and scared the crap out of people. I didn't feel like it was appropriate.

The other thing I didn't like about tonight was that my promised "massage" from Shannon lasted like 3 minutes if that. Lame! The rest of the hour, she got one from me! That is so lame, I am declaring Shenanigans on that one. At the same time of Shannon's massage, we learned different birthing positions which was pretty great. Hopefully Shannon will find a cozy one and Finny will come out pretty quickly and easily. She better be in the correct position to come out quick and easy like if she knows what is good for her.

Hopefully next week will be better. We are supposed to go on a tour of the hospital and see the birth center and rooms. That should be fun. We will learn some more positions and what to do and some more breathing exercises to do. This is all things that I have done before with relaxation techniques I have learned in other things that I have done, so I think Shannon and I have this covered. Plus the drugs she will get will be good.

On a more positive note, we had an appointment for little Finny today. She is growing like a weed and super healthy. We can't wait to meet her. Our next appointment is in two weeks. That will be our 35th week. Our doctor said that if Shannon goes into labor after that, they won't stop the labor from happening! Holy crap, that's two weeks away!! But, in the likelihood that won't happen, we will start our weekly appointments after that! It is getting close, and she is getting big. Shannon is healthy and doing great. I am proud of little momma and my little baby. I love my family.

Reflections and Tiny Hands...

It is funny looking back at previous entries I have written about our attempts to get pregnant. There is one that stands out huge for me, and that is one that I haven't shared on this, but on Facebook. I will share it below. It was written on July 12, 2010. It talks about our struggles with getting pregnant, how it felt to be disappointed, all of the hoops we need and have to jump through, and the emptiness we feel, not only in our hearts, but in our lives.

Now, we have been given the most wonderful gift, besides our own lives, and we are so thankful, everyday, to have what we have, and to have the people we do in our lives, to help us, to love us, to be there for us, to help us learn, to help us grow, but most of all, to share in our little Finnian's adventure with us.

Now, I will know what it feels like to hold a tiny hand that has never been held. And I will continue to hold her hand until my last day...

 

Tiny Hands...

 

About a week ago, Shannon and I were getting ready to go to sleep. She was reading a magazine she got from my mom, and I was doing a Sudoku puzzle, as usual. The dogs were tucked in; Lilly at our feet, and Brody under the bed. I had just figured out where to put the 5 when Shannon asked if she could read me a paragraph from the magazine. I said sure. It turns out this paragraph was actually an excerpt from Spoken from the Heart, by Laura Bush. It reads:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

This excerpt struck a chord with both Shannon and I. It did and has tugged at both of us pretty hard. Since she read it to me, I have been thinking about it a lot. Our good friends and family know that we want to start a family and have little ones. Both of us feel like something is missing from our life, and that something is a baby.

For me, this is a strange reality, because I never thought I wanted kids. I told myself years ago that it wasn’t going to happen, so I resigned myself to the fact that I would be kid-less. After all, I had a hysterectomy at 27, I wasn’t the mothering type, I didn’t want kids anyway, and I was perfectly content with having my dogs. It is funny how our thoughts and feelings change over time.

This past week, my sister and her family were here. I got to hang out with my nephew, Caden, who is about 17 months old now. He is such a great little guy. He reassured me that I really do want kids of my own, and that I can and will be a good parent. Feeling his little hand in mine, feeling his little heart beat against my chest when I picked him up and held him, feeling his little breath on my neck when he cuddled into me, his slimy, drooly face when he gave me kisses on my cheek, sensing the vulnerability he has, and the feeling of wanting to protect him at all costs, feeling sad when he was crying, watching his pure amazement in new things discovered and hearing his little voice say “WOAH!” because it was so exciting for him, feeling so thrilled because he can say so many things and do sign language already, and figure things out on his own. I am a very proud aunt. But I am only his aunt, and though I spoil him rotten, and love him to bits, being an aunt is not the same as being a parent.

Becoming parents has been hard for us, because the process for two women to have a baby isn’t exactly easy. We have to sign papers, get them notarized, visit doctors to have them sign papers, and our insurance won’t cover a lot of the costs associated with having a baby for same-sex partners. It is hard, because we can’t just “keep trying” like heterosexual couples can. We have to order the sperm, have it shipped, wait for the right time when Shannon is ovulating, (which has also been hard because she has signs of polycystic ovarian syndrome and is on medication to help her ovulate. Now she has to track pretty much everything she does) go in to do the insemination at the doctor’s office, and get one try to see if the pregnancy will occur. If it doesn’t, we are out over $600, and then we start saving money to try again, which won’t be for a few more months. It is a very difficult and stressful, sometimes tearful, process.

Shannon and I, however sad and stressed out for ourselves, are extremely happy for our friends and family that have had children recently, or those who are pregnant now. We couldn’t be happier for those of you who want children, who have tried for ages or not, and who are and will be great parents. We look forward to being a part of your lives and seeing your little ones grow. We will be the best aunties and friends we can be, and will be there for all of you, as we always have been.

It’s the people who are irresponsible, who have sex to have sex, and just make babies, without being able to take care of them, that have us upset. Any crack-head off the street can have a kid, but we have to work so hard, and I have to prove my worth as a person, and as a parent, to have my own child. That is what upsets me the most. Some stranger has to come into my home and decide if I am a good parent or not, when there are meth-addicts out there who are putting their children in danger every single day.

We will be able to raise our kids with a supportive, loving home. We will give them what they need. There are people out there that have kids just to work the system, costing people money, not even caring about their kids. They pawn them off on the child’s grandparents, or aunts and uncles to raise, just so they can go do whatever they want. As long as the parent is happy, that’s what matters. Every day in the news is another story of some poor child being killed by someone they thought loved them. There are plenty of families that would give these children homes. What is wrong with people?

For us, feeling the tiny hand of our own child, seeing our baby, holding our little one close, is what is missing. There is no lack of love for our child. We have plenty of that now, and more to give when they day comes that little sprout is conceived, and even more than that when baby comes into the world. There will be no lack of love or support for our child. The only thing that is missing now is our child. We are mourning someone that has never been here. We are yearning for their presence, even though we’ve never shared their company. There is a void in our life that has never been filled, and there is something big, very big, missing.

Who really can describe the feel of a tiny hand that has never been held?