Chronically Awesome!

I know this is usually all about the Finnja and her recent escapades, but this is going to take a little bit of a different feel than normal. It will still have to do with kiddo, but also how it is to be a parent with a chronic medical condition and how it sometimes affects our daily lives and interacting with her.
I was recently asked about my health and how everything has been going. I am sure most of you, if not everyone by now, knows that on April 1, 2009, I was FINALLY diagnosed with Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FM), after being in pain, being exhausted, just generally not feeling well at all for about 15 years. It was a very long process to get that diagnosis. I was treated for so many different ailments, taking me through many surgeries I didn't need, some I did, medications that wreaked havoc on my system, sent me into side effects that were extremely dangerous and frightening, emergency room visits, hospital stays, etc.
I went through over fifteen years of this stuff. That was half of my life at that point. It is a pretty significant amount of time to put into something that you have been told by medical professionals that is "all in your head" even though your body is telling you something else. I felt like I was at a doctors office every week. I would go to specialist after specialist and no one could help or figure it out. They would perform a surgery or give me a new medication or tell me to go stretch or get injections or try acupuncture. None of it was at all helpful. Until I went to a neurologist on April 1, 2009. The day he saw me, he asked for my symptoms, he pressed 18 different points of my body, and diagnosed me right then and there. He told me he could see me, but wasn't totally equipped to handle my case. I am thankful he was honest about that.
I took that information back to my doctors and my Physical Therapists. My Physical Therapist gave me a name for someone in Portland who not only specializes in FM, but she also has it. The light at the end of my tunnel had been found. I got a referral and up to Portland I went, to the Frida Center for Fibromyalgia. Working with my doctor there has been enlightening and amazing. I have found a new hope, a new direction, and most importantly, a doctor who cares and understands, and wants to find answers to help me.
My final appointment was last week. Sadly, with insurance companies the way they are, and funding such as it is, the doors to the Frida Center are closing. It makes my heart so heavy to know that they have done such great things, not only with me, but with so many other people. I would not be any where near where I am today with out Dr. Genevra Liptan and her fellow doctors and nurses at the Frida Center. Hopefully we can keep in contact and I can see her when she finds another place to practice.
So a little on Fibromyalgia...if you have never heard of it, it isn't that surprising, even though it is one of the most prevalent illnesses in the world.  It is fairly "new" in terms of research and understanding. To date, there is no known cause, or cure.  There isn't a genetic link. Symptoms are variable from person to person. Most fibromites are female, but a number of males suffer from the condition as well. Your body is in constant Fight-or-Flight mode. You don't sleep, pain is a daily occurrence, thoughts are jumbled and thinking is difficult at times. You lose words that were right there and struggle through sentences. Arms and legs tingle with sharp pains like they were "asleep", vision issues start to happen, eating becomes an issue, daily tasks become terribly difficult. And that is all on a good day.
If you would like to know what it feels like on a "flare" day, think back to the last time you were really sick, either with food poisoning or the flu. After you were done puking, you feel the soreness all over, the exhaustion both mentally and physically, the fighting to get out of bed, deciding if you would rather sleep or eat, deciding if you were going to go out or stay home, if you would try to get up off of the couch, even deciding if you can  hold your bladder just a little longer so you wouldn't have to get up--that is a flare day. Flares are when all of the symptoms are activated and your body can't relax or let go. Your mind is all over the place and pain takes over your entire system. There isn't much to do except wait it out. You have to be stronger than the pain and the uncomfortable feelings that come with it. You do anything possible to take your mind off it. If you don't, you lose.
I am still trying to get a hold on my symptoms of FM. I am doing a lot better than I was when I first started this journey, but every day is a new step, a new challenge, a new beginning. For me, each day is different. Will I wake up in pain today? Will I have feeling in my hands? Will I have a migraine? Is my back going to hurt? Will stress get to me? All these questions come in. The thing that helps me the most is seeing my amazing wife and my beautiful little girl when I wake up every day. To see them, and get that morning kiss from Shannon, and having Finny run at me with her arms open, her huge smile and giggling until she runs into me, even when it hurts, getting that hug is the best feeling in the world.
There are days when I can't hold Finn as much as I want to. She can't climb on me when she wants to. I can't chase her or get on the floor with her and play with her like I want to. On those days, she and I figure it out. She is learning to be "gentle with Dada" and is learning that I am not pushing her away because I don't want her to be with me, but because it hurts. I have to move her hand off of my chest because she pushed on a trigger point, and sometimes that is the worst thing ever for her, but I tell her to be gentle and give her a hug and redirect her and everything is good in our world again. For being so small and young, she is a very smart kiddo.
She seems to sense when I am having a flare day or just need some time. She gets quiet and will bring a book to me and climb up next to me in the chair or she will bring toys to me instead of me going to where she is to play. She is very cooperative when I need to change her diaper or feed her. When I am feeling good, this sometimes isn't always easy, so it is really nice when I am feeling unwell that she does help out.
It also helps that she is usually more than willing to sit or lay with me in the chair and watch cartoons and take a nap in the afternoon. Afternoons are pretty much when I hit a wall, and to have a little one who seems to need a nap around the same time as I do, works perfectly for both of us. When she doesn't need a nap, however, it makes for a very tired and grumpy day at our house. It is a good thing she is cute, because that is what keeps me from grounding her for  her entire life or sticking her in her crib until mommy gets home. Well, that and she can now climb out of her crib, but that is beside the point.
We get through each day together. With Shannon and Finn. With family who is right next door or right there for us on the phone if we ever need them. With our dear friend Amanda who helps us almost every day. With our amazing friends we see every Tuesday-Ashley, Megan, Erin, Eric, Tracey, Kevin, all of our soccer people. With our friends who watch Finn while we are at work--Korey, Hannah, and Ashley (again ;) ). I wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
Being a parent is hard, but I wouldn't give it up for anything, ever. The love I have for that kiddo of mine will never be replaced or changed or taken away from me. Having a chronic, painful illness while parenting sucks. Would I trade that? Yes, of course I would. But if it meant that I wouldn't be a parent anymore? No, not a chance. I will continue to figure it out and get by. It also helps that I have a high pain tolerance. And a pretty awesome kiddo.

Dare Devil!

Finn has started to develop her dare-devil side. Climbing up on the chairs or couch isn’t good enough for her anymore. No. Now, she has to climb on the chairs, then climb on the end tables to go to the other chair, or to the couch. Or, she has to bring a toy that she can stand on so she can be tall enough to climb on to the coffee table. We get after her for this, but it becomes a game to her, naturally. Every time we tell her no, she laughs and giggles and goes right back to doing it. After the third time, we take whatever object she has been using as a ladder and move it away so she can no longer stand on it for leverage. She then finds the next best thing. It is really a never ending process with that kid. She has no fear. She stands up in the chairs, she ups and down, she leans over as far as she can over the edge. I think Shannon and I have had near heart-attacks because of her shenanigans. She is very clever and knows darn well what she is doing, but she still scares us! We can’t take our eyes off of her for very long, or she will do something that will probably traumatize her, or us, for life.

Every day has an exciting new adventure. It could be a new flavor being introduced (fajitas), or a new game (silicone measuring cups stick really well to baby heads), or a new outfit (hand-me-downs are the best), or a new movie (anything with music). Anything different or new is amazingly exciting for her, and leads to minutes of entertainment for all of us. Yes, only minutes. She is still just a little one, and even if we just get minutes of entertainment, we will take it!

Finny has found her giggle, and every time she does it, she makes my heart soar. It is just uninhibited laughter from her little belly, and her cheeks squish up and her all teeth show, and her eyes squint and her nose wrinkles. It is the most adorable face I have ever seen, and the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. It is much better than the high-pitched glass-breaking screech that she pulls out of nowhere. That will make your ears bleed, let me tell you.

Sleeping in her crib has still been difficult for her. She was fine for a long time when she was first born, and then we traveled a few months ago. When we came back, she has not wanted to sleep in her own crib. It is interesting because when we were away, she slept in a play-n-pack, so it isn’t like we co-slept with her. She just doesn’t want to be in her room or crib by herself. She will sleep a few hours in there, but once she wakes up, she will not go back to sleep unless she is in bed with us. We need to train her to sleep in her crib, but with both of us working full time, and Shannon starting her new job, and me with my stuff, it is hard to have the energy and want to do it. Plus we really don’t mind snuggling with our little sweetie. But, sleeping would be a lot better for us all. Maybe soon, we will find a way to train us all about non-co-sleeping again. That is for another day.

As for now, Finny is still enjoying her donuts every Saturday at NutCakes, enjoying her visits from her many Aunties who spoil the dickens out of her, enjoying pestering her dogs, enjoying visiting her friends at the Sports Park, and enjoying being the best, most rambunctious little 16-month-old she can be. She is so full of love and life. We count each day as a blessing with our Lil’ Bug.

It's been a while...

I haven’t written on here in a very long time. It hasn’t been for lack of wanting or lack of feeling like it. We have been in the eye of the storm we call “Hurricane Finnian” for a while now, so there you have it. We really wouldn’t change a thing, though, so bear with me.

So last we checked in, she was eight months old and had her first tooth. Fast-forward to almost 16 months old, four teeth on top, five on the bottom and four molars coming in all at once! It has been a nightmare of a few weeks, to be sure. One thing we have discovered is the power of Grape Tylenol. Not Cherry, mind you. Grape. She loves her grape flavored medicine and pretends to put up a fight, but turns her head back (most of the time) to take it all, like the big girl she is.

Finny is a very independent little girl, finding it frustrating when she can’t climb up on the couch or chair without help. She likes to figure things out on her own, and when she does, she looks to anyone around her for approval, smiling and clapping, and expecting others to do the same for her, which we do. How can we resist, really.

Finn has many words, and has even started putting small sentences together to get her points across. Her signing needs work, but that is more our fault than hers. When she is hungry or thirsty, she stands at the gate to the kitchen and makes noise to get our attention, then we follow her and she points to what she wants; either the cabinet for a treat, or the fridge for food or drink.

She loves going to soccer at the park to see all of her friends, big and small. Finny loves her buddies and is always waiting to show off something new that she learned. When we have visitors at our house, she never hesitates to show people a favorite toy or book, or how she can crawl through her tunnels or sit in her chair. Her collection of zoo animals and super heroes are always one of the best things to show people, along with a book or two. Don’t be surprised if you ever come to visit, if you get invited to play with her Little People toys or asked to read her a book.

Finny is an amazing little soul. She is so loving and gentle, with a huge personality already. She will give you a hug or kiss when you want one, or just sit with you when you need company. She is the best at making you giggle, as hers is infectious, and she is always smiling or laughing. Her impromptu dance parties are nothing short of amazing and you can’t help but join in. And then there is her little voice. Even if you can’t understand her, you really can seem to know what she is talking about. She is just brilliant.

Finn has learned many things in her short time on this rock. She knows how to play peak-a-boo, how to put on her shirt, and take it off, how to use a fork (mostly), how to put on a hat, how to change the pictures on my phone, send texts, destroy the living room in three seconds, etc. Today she learned how to turn on a flashlight, which was HUGE! She still needs to learn that the light actually comes FROM the flashlight, and isn’t a separate thing that is on the wall that can be held on to, but we’ll get there. She also knows to answer “no” when asked if she wants to go on a motorcycle ride. She also learned how to steal donuts (something we will not be encouraging). Her fastball needs a little work, but her change-up is right on. I think the Sox should be coming to our door soon to check on their best prospect. They need a good closer after last year’s meltdown. J

Our little girl is growing up so fast. When she was tiny, I remember saying I couldn’t wait for the day that she could walk and hold my hand. Now that she is there, and it is so awesome to have that with her, I kind of miss that tiny little cuddle bug sometimes. But then I look over at that squealing little monster playing with her Little People Garage and licking the dog’s face, and I don’t think I want to go back. There’s so much more to learn and explore together, with us, with our family, with our friends, with everyone who loves our little girl. She is lucky to have them.

And we are all so very lucky to have her.  

And in Other News...

We have our first tooth!! Eight months have flown by, and Finny has cut her first tooth. It popped to the surface about a week ago. She hasn't complained one bit. The drool production hasn't increased, either, to my delight. Culinary wise, she has taken on some new foods, including carrots (her new favorite), and peas (her least favorite). Shannon also blended up some sweet potatoes again to see if she might have decided to like those this time. She does. We are venturing into more and more foods for her, and keeping up with the other ones we have introduced. We have also brought Mum-Mums and Puffs into play. She can feed herself these things, and watching her find her mouth has been quite amusing for us. Sometimes the Puffs will get stuck on her cute puffy cheeks, or the Mums will end up sideways and her mouth will get stuck open. We, naturally help her, but laugh in the process, which keeps her giggling, as well. The dogs have also learned where they need to sit in order to get a tasty treat. Finny is very keen on sharing with them. Brody eats more Puffs than Finny does. He is not a dumb dog. Lilly waits until it is over, then helps to clean off the baby. A little dog slobber never hurt anyone.
Our little beast is growing like a weed. She is moving around the floor at the speed of light. Not forward yet, but she can go backwards faster than anyone I have ever seen! We put her down and two seconds later, she is clear across the room. I fear we are going to have to clean off the bottom shelves and the bottom of the coffee table sooner than we had anticipated. She has also started to try to pull herself up. She hasn't quite figured out how to get her little knees under her yet, but I am sure that will come soon enough. We have found her more than a few times kneeling in her crib and holding on to the side, peeking over the railing. It may be time to lower the mattress once again.
Finnian is growing up way too fast, but we wouldn't change anything. She is a loving, smart, stubborn, curious, intense little girl. She figures things very quickly. She is always watching everything around her, seeming to take it all in. She will look at things, then look at us, and look back at whatever it was she was looking at with such wonder and amazement. Her eyes get so big and her mouth becomes a huge gum-filled smile. The sounds she makes are "ooo's" and "aaahh's". It is a big world with so many things to discover, and she has just begun her journey. To be a part of it is so humbling. To watch her see new things and try to figure out what it is, what it does, how it feels, what it smells like, what it looks like, tastes like, how it moves, everything; it has been such an amazing journey for me. I can't wait for every day to discover more with her.
We recently went to visit my sister and her family in Idaho and went to the zoo. Watching her see all the new animals and hear all the sounds was so cool. She even touched a goat! The giggle that came out of her warmed my heart so much, I can't even begin to explain it. She would watch her cousin Caden run around and play and we would feel her squirm like she wanted to do the same. It is going to be so fun when she is old enough to play with C, D and E at the Boise Zoo!
We went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium for Ina's Day (father's day). It was her first time seeing marine animals. She was fascinated by everything she saw. She couldn't take her eyes off the fish and crabs and jellies. A sea lion kept swimming up to the glass and rubbing against it right in front of her. She would reach out for it and try to pet it. The otters were out and she would giggle and reach out and watch them swim and play. I can't wait to take her back when she is a little older and can tell us what she sees and what she thinks about it all.
It is hard to believe that eight months has gone by. Sometimes it feels like it is such a short time, but sometimes not. It feels like she has always been with us, so eight months isn't really a big deal. She will always be our little buggaboo, no matter how old she is. And I will still play on the floor with her, and pretend gravity got the best of me, and squash her like a bug and listen to her giggle and giggle. It really is the greatest sound in the world. I could listen to her giggle forever.

Time Goes Fast...

When you're having fun!!! Finnian is six months old today! She is such an amazing little wonderful joy to have in our lives. We look back and can't believe that it has been six months already. It has just flown by. It seems like just yesterday, we were in the hospital, welcoming this beautiful little being into the world. Now we have this tiny little person in our home.
She has started to discover the world around her more and more every day. She started to hold her bottle a few months ago, but has really got the hang of it now. She has been able to flip over and roll back and forth for quite some time now, as well. Signs are coming that she wants to crawl. Child's pose is one of her favorite yoga positions to be in, and she starts to wiggle and move, like she is trying to crawl. I think we are going to have a mobile little girl soon! She already moves in circles enough, and pushes herself backwards. Now she just needs to get going forward. We are trying not to push her, since she catches on to things quickly. She'll be moving forward on her own soon enough.
Finny has also shown signs of getting some teeth coming in. We feel around in her mouth and she has a couple bumps on her gums. We hope they will wait a little bit longer to pop through, but she's been really drooly and clingy and very stinky, so we anticipate their arrival any time now. On Wednesday this week, we will take her to the doc to see how big she is and when she can start eating "real" food, so maybe those teeth will come in handy soon!
Little Bug's favorite toys now are, of course Jonas the Moose (#2, since #1 got eaten by Brody in the great dog fiasco of 2012), Sophie the Giraffe (thank you Auntie Cindi!), Mr. Banana (thanks Uncle Albert!), her rings (thanks Nana and Poppa), and her popper beads she got for Christmas (Thanks Momma and Ina!). She loves to ride in her Pink Caddy, and loves to go for rides in the car. She also enjoys spending time with her puppies and kitties and her Momma and Ina and other family members. Finny loves to sit in the grass and play in the water. She loves to be active.
We will all get to see Aunt Andi, Uncle Brian, Cousin Caden, Cousin Devyn, and Cousin Erynn soon, and Finny is looking forward to meeting all of them for the first time. The twins are almost three months old now, so that will be really fun. Cousin Caden is a great big brother, and we know he will be a great big cousin, as well. We love our Foley's!
Six months has gone by so quickly, and we know that it isn't going to slow down at all. Finny is growing like a weed and learning new things every single day. She is a smart little girl. We can't wait to see what's next! Though if time could slow down a little that would be nice...
(on another note, I will try to be better about updating!)

Three Months Old…

And still learning! Every day is a new adventure, for all of us! Finn has recently discovered her hands, which has been fascinating to not only her, but to us as well. She will sit for long periods of time, watching her hands move, bringing them up to her face, and wiggling her tiny fingers, turning her wrists so the back of her hands face her, then turn the palms back to her. She looks so inquisitively at them, and with such wonder that these things are there in front of her, moving and fidgeting. I am curious if she even knows that SHE is making these marvelous little things do the moving, or if she thinks they are some magical creatures she has yet to figure out.

Finny has also recently discovered her mouth. This is a fun little game we are starting to play. Everything has started to find its way into the small opening in her face. Her hands, our fingers, her doggie, our clothes, her blankets. Anything and everything she can reach finds a way up to her little lips and somehow ends up in a pool of baby spit. Now, this wouldn’t be terrible, if her Ina (me) didn’t have a huge aversion to drool. It is so gross to feel this wet spot forming on my shirt from my little girl nuzzling her way into my chest. I know she is just trying to find her cozy spot, so I try to deal with it, but I seriously get dry heaves from it. I fear I am going to be in serious trouble when she starts teething. I can handle any other gross bodily fluid that comes out of her, but this drool thing is beyond me. It stems from a bad childhood experience at the babysitters. I feel sick just thinking about it, so enough about me.

As I sit here writing this, two little blue eyes are looking at me, and when I look back over at her, I see the biggest smile from my kiddo. She is trying to pretend she is shy but she is really not good at that game. When I start to talk to her, she will start to coo and make some noises back. It is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. Her little voice is so soft and adorable (when she isn’t screaming her head off). Luckily for us, she only does that when she is uncomfortable or when she really needs something, which isn’t really that often. We tend to know her schedule and have learned her cues pretty quickly. We are still learning and she is a good teacher. She is patient most of the time, which helps us not get too overwhelmed. We are lucky to have her and have such an “easy” baby.

 Finny got a lot of fun toys and books for Christmas that will help her learn and develop as she grows. We have already started her playing with some of them, as well as some of the stuff she got from the showers we had before she was born. She loves the tactile stuff and things that make noise. She also loves to see her reflection in the little mirrors on some of her toys. I admit that I enjoy playing with her toys, as well. It is fun for us all, and we really enjoy the time we get to spend with her, teaching her different things and helping her in her growth and development. We make sure to tell her what things are and point out colors and shapes and animals or things like that. She will pick things up, I am sure. She is a smart little cookie.

Three months has gone by so fast even though it isn’t really that long of a time. The delivery and bringing her home seems like SO long ago, even more than three months. Now we are pretty much in a routine, so used to having her here, very comfortable with her, and can’t really remember a time that she wasn’t here. We waited for her for so long, that it really feels like she was always with us. She just wasn’t physically with us for a while. Now she is, and it seems so natural to take care of her. Yes, there is something new every single day, and we are learning and growing right along with her, but it is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Having a family is the greatest gift ever.

Now I just have to wait for Finny to wake up so we can play and laugh, make faces at each other and talk, torment the dogs and have fun the rest of the day. Then when Mommy gets home, she can join us, and our hearts will be happy and our home will be filled with laughter, joy, and love.

Five and a half weeks and counting...

The past five and a half weeks have been an amazing mix of so many different emotions and feelings and everything else all rolled into one big, amazing blur. I still go through every day, as I did before the past five and a half weeks, but now, I have this little girl who is here, changing how my every day actually looks and plays out. It is funny how such a little thing can change you so much, and how much control she has over everything that goes on in your life.

Someone asked if parenthood was what I expected. I had to answer that I didn't really know. Frankly I didn't know what to expect. I knew that it was something I really wanted and something that I felt, to my core, that I was meant to do. Finnian has brought so much joy and happiness to me, I can't even describe it. I also have other feelings of worry and doubt, not in regard to having her, but in myself that I may not be good enough for her. I want to strive to be my best for her and do what is right for her so she has the best life she possibly can. I worry for her future. I know that she will be fine, and I know that I am and will be a good parent to her. I know that I have support from a lot of people, including my wife. I know we will be our best for her. I still worry. I have been told that it's normal for all parents, though...

Anyway, Finn is growing and becoming stronger every day. She has started to track things better with her eyes, and has started to find her voice. She giggles and coos a lot now. She has even found her little thumb to suck on. We interact with each other for hours every day, making noises or funny faces at each other. I talk or sing or read to her. She usually falls asleep on me when she takes her afternoon nap. We have been able to figure out what her different cries mean for the most part. Usually we can calm her down pretty quickly, but sometimes she stays fussy. We just comfort her as best we can and help her work it out.

We have only had five and a half weeks with our daughter, but I can't really remember life before her. It feels like I have been with her forever. It is a very strange feeling to have, especially for someone like me, who never really held kids or dreamed of having kids before. I haven't really been around infants and hadn't changed many diapers before. Babies scared me, really. Now that Finn has joined our family, I want to hold her as much as she will let me. I miss her when I am away from her, even if it's only for an hour. I come back and I am so happy to see her, and see her little smile and her little eyes when she sees me and recognizes me. It's awesome, and such a good feeling. It's like nothing I have ever experienced before.

These past five and a half weeks have blown by so fast. I know that weeks will keep going by fast. I know that I will keep worrying about Finny. I know that I will keep being my best for her. And I know that I will keep loving my family with all that I have.

Labor day...

It has been almost a week since our baby girl was born. What an adventure it has already been. We wouldn’t trade it for the world!

On the night of October 15^th, Shannon started to have contractions around 10:30pm that were very consistent, coming every 4 to 7 minutes apart, lasting between 45 to 75 seconds long. She was in some pain, so we called the doctor’s office around 11:30pm, and they told us to go up to the hospital. I grabbed our other bag we had packed for the hospital, as we had already put in the overnight bag and the car seat in my car. I got ready, helped get Shannon ready, said goodbye to her mom, who had just got in the day before,  texted my folks to let them know, and we were off to the hospital.

We got all checked in, and they strapped Shannon up to all the monitors, and checked her over. She was at 4cm and at 80% effaced. We ended up walking around the fourth floor for an hour to see if we could get her to dilate more, but that didn’t work. They ended up sending us home, once again. We were both frustrated because the contractions had been going on for a few weeks, and her cervix had been dilating, but not very fast. We got home at 3:30am and went to bed, exhausted and upset.

At 6:15am, I woke up to Shannon smacking me and saying “Ouch, Owie! It hurts so bad!” We again got out of bed, got ready, grabbed the bag, and headed off to the hospital again. We got there, and the admitting person said “They sent you home?” We got checked in again and headed up to the fourth floor. Shannon got checked by Dr. AJ McCann , who said she was now 5cm and 100% effaced. There was no way we were going home this time! They started her on an IV, got her comfortable.  Soon after, the anesthesiologist came in and put in the epidural. That took FOREVER to get in! After about 40 minutes of trying, the nurse suggested using a birthing ball to wrap her arms around so she could spread her spine apart more. That worked like a charm, and five minutes later, it was in.

They started running some petosin, pain killers, and antibiotics for her. That was a lot of things being pumped into her, plus something else to boost her blood pressure because with all of that, her BP was really low. None of this was having any effect on Finn, so that was good. Having all the meds also helped Shannon relax enough to get some sleep. It also enabled me to get some sleep too, little as it was.

The nurses were in and out all day long. When I say “all day long” I mean that literally. We were there all day. Nurses changed shifts, Dr. McCann came quite a few times to check Shannon’s progress, I was told to go get something to eat. Because Shannon had the epidural, she couldn’t leave the room, so there was a lot of sitting around and talking, napping if we could, and a LOT of being bored. But then, when 5:00pm rolled around, she was 10cm, 100% and Finnian was ready to greet the world!

I texted the moms and told them it was time to start pushing, so they coordinated and came up. Shannon’s sister also came up. They waited in the family room, as Shannon and I wanted it to be just the two of us in the room. If we needed someone else, we had a plan, but with the epidural, that plan wasn’t necessary.

There was one nurse on one side of Shannon holding a leg, I was on the other holding a leg, and Dr. McCann was ready to catch! Shannon was pushing her little heart out. About a half hour into it, Dr. McCann got a call that someone was in another room and needed her right away. She had to leave, but Shannon continued to push. About an hour later, Dr. McCann came back, and checked on Shannon. She had to go deliver another baby, but would be right back. When she came back the last time, she was back for good. Shannon was a champ. She kept pushing and breathing and following the nurse and Dr. McCann. She did great.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, I could see a tiny bit of Finny’s head! On the next push, there was a bit more, and all the sudden, there was a violent turn, and there was her face, then her shoulders, and then she came all the way out, and she was on Shannon’s chest before I knew it! Our baby we had been waiting for was out in the universe for the first time, taking her first breaths! She let out a little cry as she was getting wiped off and getting things suctioned out of her nose and mouth.

The nurses took her away from us for a few minutes to get her cleaned up and wiped off. They didn’t keep her away from us for very long, though. Her head was all bruised and crooked from coming out at a bad angle. The doctor assured us it would look normal in a day or two. She checked out in good health and her measurements put her in the “small” category. She was 6 pounds 12 ounces, and 19 ½ inches long.

It was the most amazing feeling to see her, finally, in person, after wondering for so long about what she would look like, or how she would move, or what she would sound like. Just standing beside Shannon, watching her and Finny, was probably one of the greatest feelings I have ever had. It was like our family had found its missing piece in that wiggly little pink sweet baby girl laying there. It was beautiful.

 The next couple days we spent in the hospital. Shannon was recovering from giving birth. Finn was recovering from being born. I was recovering from all of it. We had visitors come see us, which was really fun. She met family and friends and they smuggled in food and drinks for us. Hospital food is not that good, FYI. Thank you to everyone who participated in that, by the way. We had many medical visitors, as well, who talked to us about care for Finn. We got a lot of education in our few days we spent there. It was good. We feel like we have a lot of support from everyone and if we have questions we need to ask, we know where we can find the answers.

Our overall experience at the hospital was good. Everyone was very supportive and very kind to all of us. The nurses and medical assistants were all so nice and extremely helpful. The other people who dropped in to give us information were very informative and answered our questions. The midwives who checked on us were great, as they always have been. Dr. McCann was amazing, as well. She kept Shannon going through the labor and was very supportive and encouraging throughout the whole thing to both of us. Her sense of humor and her personality fit with her nurses’, and with ours, and she was exactly what we needed. She was awesome. I find it ironic that she is the doctor who delivered Finn, when she is also the doctor who performed my hysterectomy years ago. Hum…

 We got home on Wednesday, and have been having fun getting used to each other since then. The dogs love her. Lilly has already started to guard her. Brody is very curious about her. The cats ignore her, which is fine. Shannon and I are getting used to doing things on our own with her, and figuring her out. She is quite a little wiggly baby. She doesn’t fuss much unless she is hungry. She is pretty chill for the most part, which is fine by us!

It will take a while for all of us to get used to new schedules and new things, but we’ll get there. We are all in this together, and we will get it. We are all new at this, and it will just take some time but I think we are doing pretty darn good at it! It’s something we have wanted for a long time. We love her so much and will do whatever we can for her.

There have been lots of firsts this week. First baby, first poopy diaper changed, first giggle for her, first bath, first bottle, first doctor appointment, first visits from some family and friends. There will continue to be many more firsts coming up and we can’t wait to continue to have them with her. 

Shannon and I have been waiting for Finnian for so long, and now that she is here, we can’t imagine life without her. She is so amazing. The little things she does, even laying down, looking around, sucking on her fingers or smiling up at us, or making funny noises, bring us such joy in our hearts. Becoming a parent is such an amazing thing, especially for someone who wasn’t sure she wanted to be a parent before she met Shannon. I am so thankful she changed my mind. J

Adventures in Waiting...

It has certainly been an adventurous few weeks for the Reeds. We have had doctor appointments every week, and have managed to go to the ER or urgent care each week for the past three weeks. Granted, one visit was for me for a ridiculously huge and ugly spider bite that is now gone, three weeks later.

Anyway, things are progressing well, and we are six days away from Finn's due date. We had a long night last night, with contractions coming for hours, anywhere from 15 to 120 seconds long, and from seven to 15 minutes apart. All of the sudden, they decided to stop at three in the morning. I guess little sprout just didn't want to be born yet. Shannon was able to get some sleep, more than I was. I was awake, restless, ready to get her in the car if I needed to. I had my hand on her tummy, feeling the contractions and timing them, even when she was sleeping. I guess I did learn something in those classes, after all.

A couple weeks ago, we had a visit to the ER, when Shannon  hadn't felt little Finn moving much. We called the on-call midwife and she had Shannon drink some juice and lay down to do a kick count. There should have been ten in an hour or more. We only felt four, so I got Shannon up and in the car and off we went. The ER guy got us up to the fourth floor, and the nurse got Shannon all hooked up to the monitors. Finn's heartbeat was strong as ever, so that was a great sign. She seemed to just be tired that day and decided to freak her mommies out. We went back home knowing that she was fine, and Shannon was fine, so our minds were at ease.

Last week we went to have a visit with a woman who basically coordinates the birth process up at the hospital. We went over our birth plan and got the papers to fill out for Finn's birth certificate. I will be able to be the second parent on it, so that will be awesome. Being a legal guardian right off the bat is awesome. I mean, she is my kid, after all, so that shouldn't be an issue, but sometimes it is. I am glad that in this case, because Shannon and I are in a DP, it isn't.

So, now everything is in order and we know where to go for the hospital and what to do, and we're ready. Shannon has had contractions and I've done the timing. Now we just need little Finny to cooperate and get on with it. We are ready for her and are getting impatient for her. This has been the longest pregnancy ever, since we have basically known since the day of insemination that Shannon was pregnant. I don't think I can take another night like last night, so I am hoping she will come soon.

My sister pointed out that St. Francis' day is tomorrow. That would be a perfect day to be born, given our love for animals, that we are sure to pass on to her... :) Come on, little one. The world is waiting to meet you.

Busy, busy, busy...

This has been a busy week for us and the little Sprout. We had our baby class on Monday, where we got a tour of the 4^th floor. That is where the delivery will take place. I have experience with this floor, which brought back painful memories, which I will talk about later. During our class, we also did some practice breathing and things like that. I think Shannon will be just fine.

We were going to watch a video, but again, the video components were messed up, and the sound wouldn’t work. Our instructor called tech support, but they never came. She was somewhat frazzled by the whole thing. I think everyone in the class was actually ok that it didn’t work, so we didn’t have to watch any more videos about placentas and c-sections and stuff like that.

She gave us enough details about it, as it was. Our class also got all the details about what happens when the “bag of waters” breaks and what happens if the doctor has to break it. It’s with this device that looks like a giant crochet hook. It isn’t really the most pleasant looking thing in the world. Hopefully Shannon won’t have to have that used, but it is there if needed.

We talked more about birthing positions and practiced more breathing techniques and things like that, and then we went on the tour. The birthing rooms are on the 4^th floor of the hospital. I have been there before, when I was 27. No, I haven’t given birth. I had a hysterectomy, and that is where I was sent for my recovery. Yes, I was sent to the 4^th floor, surrounded by rooms with little babies and happy families, enjoying the new lives, while I was recovering from my surgery, groggy and in pain, throwing up, feeling awful. Being 27, the prime of baby-making years, it was incredibly irresponsible of the staff at the hospital to put me in that part of that floor. It was insensitive, and beyond comprehension. For my part, I was at a point that I had accepted the fact that I wouldn’t have kids of my own, even when I was 15. It was hard for me, of course, but the thing that was the worst was being in my room, trying to rest and recover from my surgery, and hearing the little babies, crying all night, hearing family members asking for things for the new moms or new babies at the nurses’ station, while I was trying to hold down water, or trying to get up and walk around.

To make matters worse, after I got home from said adventure in the “baby ward” when I was 27, I started to get flyers in the mail congratulating me on being a new mom. I also got diapers, formula, wipes, and other related baby samples. It got frustrating and started to sting every time I would get something in the mail. I wrote a generic letter to mail to all of these companies that said there was a mistake at the hospital and that I was there for a hysterectomy, not a baby, and to remove me from their mailing lists. I also wrote a letter to the hospital explaining the situation and how it made me feel and everything that it had caused. Needless to say I got many apology letters.

Anyway, on our tour we saw the rooms and learned a lot about the birth process in the rooms. We learned where all the “stuff” is, like the birthing ball, and the stool and the bar and the tub and all that good stuff. So now we are all set and know what to do and where to go.

On Tuesday, we were up at the hospital keeping my mom company while my dad had a little procedure, so we went and got pre-registered for our little Finnian to come. It was the fastest pre-registration that I have ever done. We just had to turn in the form and that was it. It was brilliant.

On Wednesday, we had our 36 week appointment with Angie C, a wonderful midwife with the Samaritan group that we see. She is great. She went over our ultrasound from last week. Finny is in the 30^th percentile for size, and she is apparently a “perfect little girl”. We have another appointment next week, since we are at the weekly appointment stage.

We are down to 24 days and counting now. We can’t wait until we get to meet our little baby girl. She can stay cooking for a little while longer…but we will be here and waiting for her to make her grand entrance to the universe.

Profile of our Neno...

We have come to refer to our donor as Neno, because of the number he was given as the sperm donor. We have grown quite fond of this man we don't even know, because of the gift he has given us in helping us make our little family a little bigger with our new addition. We can't wait to meet Finnian and see what she looks like and see how much she looks like Shannon. The interesting part will be to see how much she doesn't. These will be the characteristics that she will have inherited from Neno. 

When we chose our donor, we were looking at the OHSU donor site. We were looking at the page in separate locations, and we both had decided to pick someone most similar to me, in all characteristics that we possibly could. We each picked three of them. All three that we picked were the same. My second choice was her third, and her second choice was my third. Our first choices were Neno, having been independent of each other when we were looking at it, but we were both happy that it worked out that way!

A few things that really stood out for us were his back ground, which is a mix of European and native ethnicities like mine. We are both a good Heinz 57 mix, so that was perfect. We also both have brown hair and eyes. He is a lot taller than I am, but that is ok. We are both athletic, nerdy, have strong visuo-spacial thinking, into music and art, love to read, are both right handed, have good eye sight, and many other things. He probably has a bit more arm and chest hair than I do, and his beard grows a bit more than mine. He is a non-smoker and has dimples and potters thumb. He finds himself thoughtful, caring, self-reliant, helpful, likable, and funny.

He describes himself a lot like I would describe me, in that he enjoys being with friends and family, but also enjoys his down time. He likes being in social situations with his friends where it is comfortable for him. He is very outgoing to people around him. He enjoys cooking and trying new things. People are easily drawn to him. He did very well on the Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis which tests personality characteristics, as well. He does tend to be a little impulsive, but who isn't.

Another thing that I really liked about him was that he included a poem by Khilil Gibran in his profile.

And a woman held a babe against her bosom and said, "Speak to us of Children."

And He said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house for tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that

His arrow may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The last thing that I really liked about Neno's profile was the "Kid Page" that he filled out. This guy was a lot like me when I was little. Playing outside, playing with Legos, running around until the street lights came on to signal it was time to home. His favorite vegetable was green beans! He played with Legos because of the infinite possibilities. I remember being a little one and playing with them all the time. Building everything I could imagine, tying yarn on them to make electric wires for my cities, or gondolas for the mountains. I would build bunkers for my G.I.Joes. It was awesome. Neno also played soccer, and chess. He read the book White Fang. He remembers his dad watching TV late at night, like mine did (does), and playing with grasshoppers in the yard, and tunneling in the blackberry bushes. He has a lot of good childhood memories, and reading his kid section made me remember a lot of similar experiences I had as a kid. I can't wait to share them with Finn

It's because of Neno we will get to share those experiences. I will be forever thankful to him for being a donor and giving us this opportunity to be parents to our little one. He said he only did it for financial reasons, and that is ok. He may never know the gift he has given us, and that is ok, too. But he really has made a remarkable difference in our lives, and I am sure the lives of some other people, as well. We have a family because of him.

Thank you, Neno, whoever you are.

Things that make you go...

WTF?? Tonight was our second Birthing Class and I have to say that during class, my attitude was all over the place. I was happy, I was sad, I was upset, I was frustrated, I was giddy and excited. It was a lot, but in reality, welcome to my world. The two hours we were there is nothing short of how my normal days are, but just in a condensed version of how I feel lately.

We got there and saw familiar faces and chatted it up with some folks. It was great. Then the group broke up into Dads and Moms. Me being the "odd 'whoever' out" was told to go ahead and stay with the women, even though I am NOT pregnant and my role in Finnian's life is more of the typical "father" role. We did an exercise on positives and negatives of the pregnancy. The women listed things such as finding names, wondering of the future, nesting, bring the family together, as well as morning sickness, stretchmarks, clothes not fitting anymore, mood swings, swelling, bathroom trips more often. The Dads listed things like becoming a dad, new adventures, having a legacy, passing on knowledge, feeling the baby move, being closer to the partner, seeing ultrasounds, dealing with emotions of your partner, trying to be your best for her, figuring out finances and expenses. Which one do you think I relate to most? Yeah, not the pregnant ladies, that's for sure. Everything on the Dad's list are things that I have thought about. Very few things on the Mom's list are things that have crossed my mind, but that is because I am not a birth mom. I am a dad in this.

I am having a hard time finding my place in this class. It's not a class specifically designed for Moms and Dads only. That is how it is being taught, though, which is very frustrating. I am Shannon's coach, just as the other women have their male partners as their coaches. So what? I am as worthy as they are, if not more. She keeps referring to the coaches as "dads and whoever" or "husbands or whatever". At least tonight she used "partner" and "coaches" a lot more. Maybe she is learning. She knows that Shannon and i are together in this, and that I am not just her coach or friend. It would just be nice to have the same respect that she gives the guys, or have a male/female only class if she can't handle "different" couples.

One other thing that I didn't really appreciate about tonight was her lecture on breast feeding. Yes it is a healthy way to feed a child, and it is good and there are tons of benefits. We all know this. But there are some women who just can't do it. I wasn't breast fed. I couldn't due to allergies or something. I know many other people who weren't and I know many people who haven't been able to breast feed their kids. She rambled on for a good twenty minutes on how much better breast feeding is than anything else and made it seem like if you can't breast feed, your kid is going to die. She rambled off stats from decades ago that aren't even relevant anymore and scared the crap out of people. I didn't feel like it was appropriate.

The other thing I didn't like about tonight was that my promised "massage" from Shannon lasted like 3 minutes if that. Lame! The rest of the hour, she got one from me! That is so lame, I am declaring Shenanigans on that one. At the same time of Shannon's massage, we learned different birthing positions which was pretty great. Hopefully Shannon will find a cozy one and Finny will come out pretty quickly and easily. She better be in the correct position to come out quick and easy like if she knows what is good for her.

Hopefully next week will be better. We are supposed to go on a tour of the hospital and see the birth center and rooms. That should be fun. We will learn some more positions and what to do and some more breathing exercises to do. This is all things that I have done before with relaxation techniques I have learned in other things that I have done, so I think Shannon and I have this covered. Plus the drugs she will get will be good.

On a more positive note, we had an appointment for little Finny today. She is growing like a weed and super healthy. We can't wait to meet her. Our next appointment is in two weeks. That will be our 35th week. Our doctor said that if Shannon goes into labor after that, they won't stop the labor from happening! Holy crap, that's two weeks away!! But, in the likelihood that won't happen, we will start our weekly appointments after that! It is getting close, and she is getting big. Shannon is healthy and doing great. I am proud of little momma and my little baby. I love my family.

Reflections and Tiny Hands...

It is funny looking back at previous entries I have written about our attempts to get pregnant. There is one that stands out huge for me, and that is one that I haven't shared on this, but on Facebook. I will share it below. It was written on July 12, 2010. It talks about our struggles with getting pregnant, how it felt to be disappointed, all of the hoops we need and have to jump through, and the emptiness we feel, not only in our hearts, but in our lives.

Now, we have been given the most wonderful gift, besides our own lives, and we are so thankful, everyday, to have what we have, and to have the people we do in our lives, to help us, to love us, to be there for us, to help us learn, to help us grow, but most of all, to share in our little Finnian's adventure with us.

Now, I will know what it feels like to hold a tiny hand that has never been held. And I will continue to hold her hand until my last day...

 

Tiny Hands...

 

About a week ago, Shannon and I were getting ready to go to sleep. She was reading a magazine she got from my mom, and I was doing a Sudoku puzzle, as usual. The dogs were tucked in; Lilly at our feet, and Brody under the bed. I had just figured out where to put the 5 when Shannon asked if she could read me a paragraph from the magazine. I said sure. It turns out this paragraph was actually an excerpt from Spoken from the Heart, by Laura Bush. It reads:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

This excerpt struck a chord with both Shannon and I. It did and has tugged at both of us pretty hard. Since she read it to me, I have been thinking about it a lot. Our good friends and family know that we want to start a family and have little ones. Both of us feel like something is missing from our life, and that something is a baby.

For me, this is a strange reality, because I never thought I wanted kids. I told myself years ago that it wasn’t going to happen, so I resigned myself to the fact that I would be kid-less. After all, I had a hysterectomy at 27, I wasn’t the mothering type, I didn’t want kids anyway, and I was perfectly content with having my dogs. It is funny how our thoughts and feelings change over time.

This past week, my sister and her family were here. I got to hang out with my nephew, Caden, who is about 17 months old now. He is such a great little guy. He reassured me that I really do want kids of my own, and that I can and will be a good parent. Feeling his little hand in mine, feeling his little heart beat against my chest when I picked him up and held him, feeling his little breath on my neck when he cuddled into me, his slimy, drooly face when he gave me kisses on my cheek, sensing the vulnerability he has, and the feeling of wanting to protect him at all costs, feeling sad when he was crying, watching his pure amazement in new things discovered and hearing his little voice say “WOAH!” because it was so exciting for him, feeling so thrilled because he can say so many things and do sign language already, and figure things out on his own. I am a very proud aunt. But I am only his aunt, and though I spoil him rotten, and love him to bits, being an aunt is not the same as being a parent.

Becoming parents has been hard for us, because the process for two women to have a baby isn’t exactly easy. We have to sign papers, get them notarized, visit doctors to have them sign papers, and our insurance won’t cover a lot of the costs associated with having a baby for same-sex partners. It is hard, because we can’t just “keep trying” like heterosexual couples can. We have to order the sperm, have it shipped, wait for the right time when Shannon is ovulating, (which has also been hard because she has signs of polycystic ovarian syndrome and is on medication to help her ovulate. Now she has to track pretty much everything she does) go in to do the insemination at the doctor’s office, and get one try to see if the pregnancy will occur. If it doesn’t, we are out over $600, and then we start saving money to try again, which won’t be for a few more months. It is a very difficult and stressful, sometimes tearful, process.

Shannon and I, however sad and stressed out for ourselves, are extremely happy for our friends and family that have had children recently, or those who are pregnant now. We couldn’t be happier for those of you who want children, who have tried for ages or not, and who are and will be great parents. We look forward to being a part of your lives and seeing your little ones grow. We will be the best aunties and friends we can be, and will be there for all of you, as we always have been.

It’s the people who are irresponsible, who have sex to have sex, and just make babies, without being able to take care of them, that have us upset. Any crack-head off the street can have a kid, but we have to work so hard, and I have to prove my worth as a person, and as a parent, to have my own child. That is what upsets me the most. Some stranger has to come into my home and decide if I am a good parent or not, when there are meth-addicts out there who are putting their children in danger every single day.

We will be able to raise our kids with a supportive, loving home. We will give them what they need. There are people out there that have kids just to work the system, costing people money, not even caring about their kids. They pawn them off on the child’s grandparents, or aunts and uncles to raise, just so they can go do whatever they want. As long as the parent is happy, that’s what matters. Every day in the news is another story of some poor child being killed by someone they thought loved them. There are plenty of families that would give these children homes. What is wrong with people?

For us, feeling the tiny hand of our own child, seeing our baby, holding our little one close, is what is missing. There is no lack of love for our child. We have plenty of that now, and more to give when they day comes that little sprout is conceived, and even more than that when baby comes into the world. There will be no lack of love or support for our child. The only thing that is missing now is our child. We are mourning someone that has never been here. We are yearning for their presence, even though we’ve never shared their company. There is a void in our life that has never been filled, and there is something big, very big, missing.

Who really can describe the feel of a tiny hand that has never been held?

Time Flies...

 And now all of the sudden, we are at 31 weeks of preparing for Finnian's arrival! Holy cow, time has gone by so darn fast! The good news is that we have finally made some progress on her nursery and got it somewhat set up, and continue to make progress on it daily. Hopefully we will be ready for her when she decides she wants to come greet the world!

We had a doctor's appointment the other day to check on her development. She is doing great! Shannon is doing great, too! We got a chance to see her again because the doc wanted to check to make sure it was her head that she was feeling. It was a nice opportunity to see her cute little face again. I love that every time we see her, she has her little hand up by her face. She's so darn sweet. It is hard to believe I can love someone as much I do already, and I haven't even met my little one.

We are going to the docs every two weeks now, since we are close to the end of the pregnancy now. It is going to get busy in the next few months. We are ready for it, though, I think! Our parenting/birthing classes will start in the next couple of weeks, too. Those should be interesting, to say the least. I am not looking forward to the gross videos I have heard about. We'll see. They better have snacks.

Shannon and I both continue to collect little things for her, as well. I can't go into a store without looking at baby stuff, or little books or things like that. It seems like every time we go somewhere, one of us comes out with something for the little one. I saw a book yesterday and had to get it for her, because it had an owl puppet on it. I can't wait to read to her every night. I do it anyway now, but I am looking forward to holding her and letting her look at the pictures as I read to her. It is kind of hard to show her pictures through Shannon's tummy at this point. I still try, mind you, but I am not sure how much she can actually see.

Our baby girl is healthy and doing well. When she hears music, she moves a lot more. We were at the Willamette Valley Fiddle Contest yesterday, and every time the fiddlers would start playing, she would wiggle more and more. I put her little lullaby glow worm to Shannon's belly and pushed it's belly to make it play the music. Finn moved closer to it and would wiggle when the music would play. I hope she loves music and moving as much as we do! She and I will dance, even when the music has ended.

We have nine more weeks until the little Sprout reaches her due date. We have a lot left to do, but we are getting there, and we will get there by the time she is here. At least we'll have some things set up before she gets here. That's the plan, anyway. As for the rest of it, we are just continuing to go do the doc appointments and make sure that Shannon is healthy, and that Finn is healthy. So far, everything is going as it should, and we can't wait to meet our little baby girl and show her off to the universe.

Best News EVER!!

Whew! Twenty-six weeks has blown by. It seems that in no time at all, she will be here, with us, brightening our home, every single day. I can’t wait!

The past couple of weeks have been a little bit of an anxious time for her mother and I. We had an ultrasound about 6 weeks ago, and it turned out that she had a “soft marker” in her heart that showed an echogenic focus, which is a genetic marker for Downs. All of the tests we have had in the past didn’t show any signs of this, so we weren’t terribly worried, but there is always a small nagging feeling there when someone tells you that there could be an issue. We had a follow-up Ultrasound here in Corvallis about 3 weeks later, and got the results. The marker was still there, so at our appointment last week, the doctor we saw suggested we go to the “specialists” in Eugene, where we had our genetic counseling and sequential screening previously. We made the trip yesterday.

Let me first start by saying that I love the people down there. They are so wonderful and supportive of us. When we went before, we saw a genetic counselor, who went over everything with us, gave us the numbers of things that could happen, but also gave us the “probable” numbers, putting our minds at ease. We then went in for our ultrasound, at that time, where the tech was amazing, and very good at her job. She talked us through it, explained to us what we were looking at, and made us feel great about everything. The doctor came in immediately after the tech was done taking the images, and he was awesome. He could be an elementary school teacher if this doctor thing didn’t work out for him. He has got to be close to 6’5” and has the softest, goofiest voice I have ever heard, but he also has the sweetest tone and body language to him. At our first ultrasound, he talked about Finn’s “feetsies” and how she was developing and everything looked great. He made us feel very reassured.

This time was no different. We got there, and saw a different counselor at first. She went over all of the paperwork, all the tests results, basically told us that she didn’t feel that we had much to worry about, based on all the screenings and blood work and all the previous four ultrasounds we have had, as well as Finn’s development thus far. We then went in for our fifth ultrasound, with the same tech as last time. She went over everything again; checking to make sure Finn is STILL a girl, which she is, and checking her anatomy. All is well in that department. She has two kidneys, two lungs, a liver, a heart with four chambers that work correctly, a brain, all her bones, all her digits, eyes, nose, ears, a mouth. She’s a well made kid.

The tech (and I do feel bad that I am blanking on her name) took some pictures for us. She made sure to get another one of her feet for us. We are collecting feet pictures, because at all of our ultrasounds, that seems to be the only part of her that Finn will let us get a good view of, since she is so wiggly! The tech also got a great profile picture for us. She said she was going to show us her face, too. Shannon and I thought it was going to be another “skelator” photo, of her bones and facial structure, which is great. Then she switched the machine over, and all of the sudden, we see a 4D image of our sweet little Finnian, right on the screen! We got a glimpse of our baby and what she will look like! It was so amazing. Seeing my beautiful daughter’s face and what she will look like brought such a wonderful feeling to my heart. My sweet little baby girl, and her little face. It was brilliant. I know she doesn’t have my genetics, but she is so my kid…

After the tech was done, we were waiting for the doctor to come in and were still staring at the pictures. He surprised us a little, as we were discussing little Finnian and how beautiful she is! It was the same doctor that was there when we went in for the first ultrasound. He was as wonderful as ever. He came in and said everything was looking good but was going to have a quick peek at her. She wiggled around a bit, as she hates being poked and prodded, but he finally found her. He made sure she was still a girl, too, and luckily, in the 20 minutes since last checked, she was STILL a girl! He found her little heart, and the chambers looked good. He took a still image of them, and pointed us to the tiny little spot that has been our worry for the last two months. It was a little light grey area, so tiny, that at first I wasn’t even sure what he was talking about. He pointed out that in most cases (these things are apparently very common) these foci are very white, almost the same color as bone on the ultrasound. With Finny’s being light grey, he said he wouldn’t have even called it a marker. That was the best news Shannon and I could have ever heard. Our little baby girl got the pass and is 100% healthy!

I can’t wait to hold her little head against my cheek and cuddle her and protect her. To see what she will mostly look like has made it so much more genuine. Ever since January 17^th, it has been real, but to see her, see what she will look like, see her in more than just a 2D form, with no external structure to her, no skin, no anything but bones and organs; seeing her in 4D, with her eye closed and her hand by  her face, and her little mouth shut and her cute little nose, it has made it even more incredible than I could have ever imagined. I can’t wait to meet her. We have three months to get ready for her arrival. I just hope we are ready for it! There is still so much to do!!!!

Wiggly Worry Wart...

Today we had our 20 week appointment for our little Sprout to talk about her progress and how the ultrasound went the other day. We met with the newest addition to the Samaritan OB/GYN group, Angie Chisholm. She was very nice and very focused on her job. She hadn’t had time to go over the ultrasound results before meeting with us, so she took a few seconds to look it over while we were sitting in the room with her.

She said that everything checked out and looked good, and then came the “but”…the word that no parent wants to hear. Finnian has a single echogenic focus with her left ventricle. Angie didn’t really explain what it was, and didn't seem worried about it, because all the other test results were normal. She told us not to worry about it much. Yeah, right...according to some research we’ve done, here is what Wikipeadia says:

Echogenic intracardiac focus (EIF) is a small bright spot seen in the baby’s heart on an ultrasound exam. This is thought to represent mineralization, or small deposits of calcium, in the muscle of the heart. EIFs are found in about 3-5% of normal pregnancies and cause no health problems.

EIFs themselves have no impact on health or heart function. Often the EIF is gone by the third trimester. If there are no problems or chromosome abnormalities, EIFs are considered normal changes, or variants.

Researchers have noted an association between an EIF and a chromosome problem in the baby. Types of chromosome problems that are occasionally seen include Trisomy 18 (Edward's syndrome) or Trisomy 21 (Down syndrome). In the case of an isolated EIF, and no other ultrasound findings, some studies show that the risk for a chromosome abnormality is approximately two times a woman’s background risk. Other studies report up to a 1% risk for Down syndrome when an EIF is seen on a second trimester fetal ultrasound exam.

Considering little Sprout has had nothing but great results on all her other tests, I think everything will be fine, and she will grow out of it. But it doesn’t hurt to pass on some good thoughts and energy to our little Finny if you wouldn’t mind. We could use all the help we could get. It takes a village, after all, and we really need our village right now.

Finn’s heart and development are great. She just has this little hitch in there, that is most likely nothing, but it could be something we need to keep an eye on. We will go back in a few weeks for another ultrasound to check it out and see if it has corrected itself, which we fully expect it to have done so. If not, we will have more tests to do, and we will do what we can and what we have to and do the best for our baby and help her in any way we can. She is healthy and strong at this point, and we fully expect her to continue to be. It doesn’t mean we won’t worry about her, but we know she is a strong little nugget, and she will be just fine.

As we were sitting in the car, I asked Shannon if this is how it is going to be the rest of our lives—worrying about our little baby girl. It’s a 24/7 job now, and, though I know little Finnian will be just fine and dandy at our next ultrasound in 3-4 weeks to check on her little abnormality in her little tiny, strong heart, I am still going to worry about her health and wellbeing every day until I turn to dust.

I love my little girl. I can’t wait to see her in October. I gave her a little pep talk, and told her that if the Boston Bruins can make it to the Stanley Cup Finals, she can do anything she wants to do! We just have to concentrate on getting her solid and well and ready to meet the universe!

Sugar and Spice...

And everything nice. That's what our little Finnian is made of. We are having a girl! We found out yesterday that our little Sprout is going to be a little girl, bringing pink and frills to our home. We couldn't be more excited about our little bundle of joy. She is growing right along, and all is going well. Her size is great, as is her heart rate. Everything seems to be healthy and strong. We have her 20 week appointment tomorrow, and will get more details that the tech doing the ultrasound couldn't give us, but we expect only good news.
We spent an hour yesterday, in the ultrasound room, looking at our little wiggler. She didn't sit still the entire time, so it was hard to get a good photo of her, and also hard to get good measurements. The tech, Rachel, had to be super fast at taking pictures so she could get the measurements she needed. She waited until near the end of the appointment to have Shannon roll on her side so she could get a better look at Finn to see if we would have a James or an Ivy for the middle name. Turns out, we got an Ivy! She showed us the three tiny little lines indicating "girl" and didn't see anything else, nor did we. We would have been happy either way, but we are very excited for our little girl and can't wait for her to enter the universe when she is fully baked!
After our appointment, and after we texted our families, we went and grabbed some lunch and showed the pictures to my dad. He was very excited at the news. Shannon drove us to her work, as I called my grandma to tell her she was going to have another great-granddaughter. She was tickled pink with excitement! It was really cute to hear her over the phone. I then went to work, and showed my mom the pictures of our little Sprout. She was excited, too! Babies tend to bring out excitement in a lot of people.
Apparently the only person not excited that Finn is a girl is my nephew Caden. My sister told him "Cousin Finny is a girl!" and he responded "No, No girl!" We are going to have to get him used to little Finny being a girl. Though she'll be a tough nut, I am sure, and I am sure he'll come around. I think part of the problem is he is sick of girls, since all of his playmates are girls! We call them his harem. Everywhere he goes, there are little girls after him. Andi and Brian are in trouble!
I picked Shannon up from work, and we went to sign our new one year lease on the house we rent. We love living there, and love the house and location. It is a great place, and a great neighborhood, right next to my folks, who are very excited they will be near their granddaughter, and we are excited to have babysitters so close (wink wink). As we were signing the papers, the property manager asked us about how we like living there and how we like the house. We told him we love it and it's great. He asked if we had thought about buying, and Shannon told him we were going to use this year to get our stuff in order and look into it. He then told us to talk to him first if we were interested in the house we are living in now! How nice would it be to not have to move?? SO NICE! Shannon and I have had many conversations about the changes we'd make to the house (painting, windows, counters, adding a sink in the bathroom, etc), and to have him say that this could be a possibility is a dream come true. Now we just have to get our crap in order and hopefully things will work out! Fingers crossed for a year!! Come on, Lotto!
After we did that, we went to the store, and picked out Finnian's first outfits together! It was so fun! Shannon found her some little Sesame Street creepers that have the character faces on them. They are quite adorable. I, of course, went with Super Girl sleepers. I mean, come on, it's Super Girl. The only odd thing about me picking them is...yep, you guessed it...They're PINK!!!  AAAHHH! I got my little girl something pink. Gross, I know, but the only thing that is saving them is the giant silver "S" in the middle of the chest, and the wicked awesome utility belt on the belly. My kid is gonna rock that sleeper! I am going to have to make her a cape so she can run real fast, like cousin Caden!
Now the fun stuff begins. I am going to begin many projects, like fixing up the changing table, making it safe for our little one, and for us. We have some shelving units for the wall that need to be sanded, painted, and hung up. We have some major cleaning out of the garage to do, and of the nursery to do. There is some decorating, including hanging up the awesome Owl kite Finn got from Caden. We have lots of washing to do from all the clothes, blankets, burp cloths, and other stuff Auntie Kelly has given us. The list could go on...and on...
As for now, we are just enjoying the time we have together, and enjoying our little wiggler. She is a very active little thing. Shannon can feel her moving all around in there, and I was lucky enough to feel her last night at dinner. She has strong little legs, and big feet. I am looking forward to getting her into Lil' Kickers when she is old enough. I think she is about ready to start now, with the way she is kicking around in there! She's going to be something special.